Earlier, after my nap, I had a brush with death. I had to take a good hard look at my life and realise that my time on this earth is short. My mortality has never been so apparent. Thats right people, I stared into the cold eyes of death…death blinked.
I had just bounded masterfully from my bed after a gentlemans sleep. It was cold, too cold. I reached for the hoodie I had taken off before my nap to give me that sweet quick warmth. Because I am a genuis I took both the hoodie and tshirt off at the same time leaving me with only the one thing to put back on. Little did I know that this time saving stroke of genius would nearly cost me my life!
I first started to put on my jeans but it was taking too long so I switched focus to the top half of my body which was getting rather cold. I started to put on the hoodie and t shirt combo but my head wasn’t going through the neck hole of either. I gathered myself and tried again…disaster. My head went through the tshirt hole but not the hoodie hole. Panic. I couldn’t see and I was literally half dressed.
I struggled and faught which led to the jeans I had given up on just falling down. There I was, struggling to find the neckhole in the hoodie while my pants fell down. I am slightly clostrophobic so this was a nightmare scenario. My heart beat had quickened and the only way I was going to get of this jam was to get an arm through the sleeve…which I just about managed. Finally, I thought, my ordeal was over and I would live to see another day…wrong. I was struggling so much that I fell onto the bed flat on my face. It hurt a little.
After I stopped weeping uncontrollably I started to pull at the hood until my head went through, which after 30 of the longest seconds of my life, it did. Victory. I cheated death again.
Why am I telling you this story? This horribly embarrassing story about when fabric made me consider suicide? It is to highlight the dangers of life. Everything and anything can kill you at any moment! Live in constant fear! Stop making eye contact with people and if you see an animal just panic and run away. Actually, stop going outside! Board up the windows and sleep in the corner of your kitchen clutching your shotgun in case the post man arrives to deliver you anthrax filled envelopes! Dont trust anybody!