The lights and the cooker and the dryer and the everything are on but no ones home.

Right there. Thats a title. So I got home from work today as usual (many hours after they stopped paying me) and reached into my pocket for my keys. I found the one I was looking for only to notice that the door was wide open as if somebody was angry at the house and wanted the filth of Galway to go in and rob my consoles and TV. I pushed the door and in I went looking confused but not surprised. I have a set of careless housemates and the door swinging open seems to be a regular occurrence.
I noticed that the house was warmer than usual and using my Batman skills I walked to the kitchen. The oven was on full blast as well as two of the top things (hobs?) which made it rather toasty and dangerous. Just then I noticed that every light in the house was on. There is a light in the hall, the living room and two in the kitchen and every single one was on.

At this point I was fairly sure that one of the lads decided that it would be nice to leave the door wide open for burglars, saving time opening pesky locked doors. It would also appear that not only would he let the scum of Galway walk straight in but he would light the place up for all to see by turning on every light on the lower floor. If that wasnt enough he left the cooker on just incase the burglars had a frozen pizza they needed to cook in a hurry before robbing all of my shit. Luckily for the burglars the cooker would still be left on after they ate their pizza to leave them with a tempting opportunity to burn the house to the ground removing all fingerprints. The best part was that there was nobody at home at the time yet two of the their bedroom lights were also on. A clever lot.

I seriously am starting to think that they believe that there is only an ON switch on everything in this house. It might take one of my legendary instructional videos to show them that the ON switch is also the OFF switch and that doors can be closed as well as opened. Can you tell that this has been brought up face to face a couple of times already?

That entire scenario was not the first time I have walked in to this expensive death trap situation. Ironically…one of them complained about the electricity bill a few days ago claiming it was “too expensive” for what we use…I agree, so I am considering making them all t-shirts that read “Less electricity = Cheaper electric bill” and slapping them in the face twenty four hours a day with pictures of money.

Sometimes I am ready to throw myself off of the closest and highest building I can find but that would be the bus station. If I jumped off of that im sure I would land on a group of innocent people queuing up for a bus home to see their families. They would probably break my fall ruining my suicide. The pricks. So that dream is over.

Lately (relatively) things have been a little better until the TV incident. The first time I typed that it came out “the TB incident”. There is no sign tuberculosis in here that I am aware of. I type like a drunk infant. Two powerful index fingers smashing keys with very little thought given to it… a lot like I would imagine a drunk infant would solve problems or how Kanye West teaches his child the difference between open space and a wall, but I digress.

So my old housemate left his TV here as he didnt need it. Eventually he would come back for it but at the time it made sense for everybody to just leave it. When he told me he was selling it to a third party I decided to offer to buy it to save having to spend 3 times that amount buying a new one for the house and to avoid bringing my TV downstairs. I sent a text to all of them to see if they wanted to split the cost so we wouldnt have to, as I already said, spend three times that on a new one. The cost was €30 for each of them and that was nowhere near what it should have been, I was willing to pay the rest. But nooooooooo. “I dont really use it” etc came back so of course I had to buy it myself.

If they dont really use it (which is complete bullshit) you would think that an alternative would be offered, you know, because we have that whole television and internet box situation that we pay money for. When I brought that up “Ohh yeah, shit” is all I got back. I was standing there willing them to come up with the a logical next step in this situation we found ourselves in. It was like a child counting up to four and seeing a parent willing it to say “five”. But no. Their logic was to keep the TV and Internet package while I paid for the TV. Magical levels of nonsense.

So this is the sort of shit I have to deal with. Every day is a new adventure. But the following is the finest piece of nonsense I have ever encountered in my soon to be 28 years on this earth. Below is a photographic image of the sink in the kitchen after TWO PEOPLE had dinner and later popcorn while using my netflix account on the TV they refused to chip in for. BEHOLD!


Those are the dishes, cups and cutlery used for two meals by two people. I know this for a fact because I had, only a few hours before that, made dinner and cleared everything up. The place was clear, everything was dry and was put away.

There are six plates there. Six. How?

There are three cups yet two people used them. How?

There are 21 pieces of cutlery there. 11 forks. 11 FORKS! There are absolutely no words for this. How in the name of fuck does that happen? There is no answer to that question other than “we had a game of Use all the stuff“.

Add to all of that a bowl for the popcorn, a saucepan, the giant metal spoon thing and the plastic burger flipping thing (I dont know the names of cooking things) and you have what in any logical world would look like the dishes after a dinner party for nine hundred and fifty two lazy pricks. How?

I actually dont think im mad, more curious I suppose. How is this possible? Any ideas?

I think it time I get a mortgage and escape the living hell that is house sharing with fuckwits. That or I need to find a way to not let these things bother me. Maybe if I go down the laneway near here and pit the drug dealers against each other for the best deal on a potent concoction of heroin and cocaine injected in the right eye and left ear simultaneously I would start to enjoy living here? Its a start and a pending patent. I will call it “The Steve” and the kids will go wild for its epic highs, harsh mellows and spontaneous date rapes. Always remember kids, tip your drug dealer at Christmas so he doesnt rob your house while you are at home with the folks.

My Apologies,


About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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5 Responses to The lights and the cooker and the dryer and the everything are on but no ones home.

  1. Jen says:

    Have them take a “trip” to the bus station. The cost of your electricity bill would “fall”. Somehow, you have to give them a “push” in the right direction.

  2. The Mammy says:

    The Mammy also thinks Patrick Kavanagh never said that and also she does not need to be moderated. She also apologises for the confusing omission of the word On after Lights in her last comment. Keep up the good work, the Mammy is very proud.

  3. The Mammy says:

    You need to come home to Mammy where no bills need to be paid and she puts away the dishes eventually but in saying that she’s a divil for leaving the cooker RINGS on. She loves the peace and quiet of the dark so no unnecessary lights are left and she loves the poetry of Patrick Kavanagh.

  4. Aaran Heavey says:

    As a guy sharing a house with two others, this got an Oscar-winning round of applause.
    “You got up in the morning and made an omelette before work? Oh, so that’s why the grill and hob are left on, there are 3 drawers and 2 cupboards wide open, and for some reason; 2 plates, 3 knives, 2 forks and 2 spatulas in the sink.”

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