It’s been 15 days since I’ve had the beautiful substance inside me, 15 days since I truly felt alive, 15 days since I have felt joy in this miserable life. 15 days ago I took my last sip of that beautiful brown, liquid gold that is Coca Cola. What I wouldn’t give for just one more day chasing that Brown, sugary, tasty dragon. Before I left the mother land of Ireland, I spent close to 2,000 euro in less than a year for dental bills. When I was a baby, my parents took the bottle away from me and I flat out refused to drink milk, ever again. I switched to Orange Juice, which my dentist here has told me is just as bad as drinking soda!, Who knew! I didn’t actually start drinking Coke until I was a bit older. But when I started using, it hooked me right in. Friends and Family tried to help me out, but I wouldn’t listen. All I needed in my life was Coca Cola, I didn’t need anybody or anything else!
When the incessant badgering from loved one’s got too much, I had enough! I knew there was only one way I could be with my sweet, sweet sugary lover forever. I would have to leave and head for birth place of Coke. The United States. Unfortunately once I got here, things went from bad to worse. Coca Cola in the US, is no longer made with sugar. It’s made with high fructose corn syrup. 650+ days into a mad American Coke binge, I saw myself in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. A pot belly, yellow skin and hungry look in my eyes for more Coke. Depressed by this, I walked over to the toilet, lifted up the lid on the cistern and grabbed a nice refreshing can of Coke, when I realized what I was doing I threw it into the bath tub and fell to the ground in tears. I knew what I had to do, I need to kick this habit cold Turkey!
The first day few days wasn’t so bad. I hated drinking water, it’s such a bland miserable drink, perhaps I hate it because I have so much in common with it. Around day 8 things took a bad turn. While in mid break dance, I started to see yellow streaks, shortly after I got tunnel vision only instead of seeing darkness around my eyes, I saw blurriness. Then it happened, I ran to the toilet, put my head down and began to heave. After some wild heaving, I resigned to my sleeping quarters with some cold ice for my forehead and nothing but darkness. I’ve had migraines in the past and this definitely was one. I thought nothing of it until the next morning when another migraine came on, this time I didn’t not feel the need to throw up but did get a bad dull headache. Well the next day I had another migraine, luckily I figured I would this time so I was prepared, I brought painkillers into work with me. It was obvious my brain was struggling with the change, I was morphing into another creature altogether.
Day 11, I woke up outside a spring training baseball ground with my underwear around my ankles and vomit on my penis. This is a sight I have seen many times before but only after a heavy night of drinking, but I wasn’t drinking! I also had no clue where I was! I took my shirt off, exposing my new six pack I developed from a week without Coke. I wrapped the shirt around my head to protect myself from the harmful UV rays of the sun. I made it to a hiking trail, there wasn’t a soul around and I was so thirsty. That’s when I saw it a big beautiful Coke Vending machine, I ran to it but as I got closer it disappeared, turning into a water fountain. After sobbing uncontrollably, I reluctantly took a drink of water and noticed I was outside the Phoenix Zoo. I went inside, go to see a Monkey with a big red behind and and and a big Tiger! Oh, his teeth were so BIG! While there I talked to a wise old man about his time in the war, He touched my heart and parted some great words of wisdom with me that I’ll never forget yada yada yada.
So, Here I am, day 15 without any soda. Over 6 months without beer. Do I feel any better physically? Honestly, no. In fact, I’m drinking much more water per day than I ever did of Coke and I feel much more dehydrated. I’ll stick it out for now. Hopefully I’ll drink one of the nights I’m back in Ireland. Sadly for me though, I realize that Coke actually was one of the few little joys I had in life. It’s now gone, replaced by emptiness.