I realise that I am a cynical guy. I realise that a lot of things piss me off. I sometimes wonder if the world is designed to annoy me and to a large extent…it is. Marketing bullshit drives me insane and I will never see the point in most of it. Every campaign, government or otherwise, seems dumb to me and if I am honest I see myself as being far more intelligent than the target audience for this particular brand of cock.
A little example from this weekend was an advert for HomeBase or B+Q or somewhere like that. It showed a frustrated family failing to assemble some flat packed furniture in an attempt to point out the failings of IKEA. The family had purchased a new coffee table for their Grandmother. The voice over man says “Don’t do this to Nan this bank holiday weekend!” Did I miss something? Do we now purchase large pieces of furniture for our Grandparents on certain bank holiday weekends? When did this happen? Is it a new thing? Seriously now! Who was that ad aimed at?! Neglectful people who leave their parents in furnitureless houses only to surprise them on holidays with tidings of tables and chairs? Or was it an out take from some failed TV series cleverly repackaged as holiday advertising. “Worlds Fuckediest Fucks” or something inspired like that. Il move on.
So there is this ad running on TV and radio here in Ireland at the moment. I’m pretty sure it’s a government thing. Now, honestly, I thought my brain was going into meltdown when I saw this. I thought my mind was upset at the Horoshima I pulled on my body this weekend and invented something this recockulous as punishment for my boozing ways. Unfortunately, this is not the case. This is real. As real as my love for my sweet sweet Xbox.
“BIN IT YOUR WAY!” A campaign designed to show people how to dispose of chewing gum in youthful and funky new ways…just the hot topic we need right now during these dark economic times. Fuck the ECB…chewing gum litter is our major problem…yup. I was not aware that gum litter was such an epidemic that we, as a nation, required a “Gum Litter Task Force” That is what they are called. I assume they are a very hard working semi state enterprise…the type of group that walk in the door of the office, fart, drink coffee for five hours, come up with this dumb ass idea and then leave for the afternoon.
Just look at that horseshit! I can actually see the boardroom now. A crowd of marketing people sitting around staring at blank pages and coming up with this garbage. “Apple! People like Apple! Let’s make our posters look all sweet and cool and youthful like Apple! Hurray for Finton! Lets all go for more coffee! Hurray!”
Fuck my life! What a crock of bollocks.
So these people think that creating this campaign will stop kids from spitting their chewing gum on the ground? Seriously now, they believe that kids will use the bins because now they are encouraged to be creative and funky in doing so…and then upload their pics to Facebook and twitter? If this happened when I was in school (many moons ago) the kid uploading pictures of himself creatively binning his gum would be beaten to within an inch of his life, and then a further two inches. Do these people live on planet earth at all? It’s like real life versions of the brain surgeons you see on The Apprentice except this is really happening. It is frightening how pointless and cringeworthy this is. Too much college, not enough real life if you ask me. I am all for stopping litter but for the love of Satan Herself there are better ways to do this. Show depressing slow motion images of cute kittens choking on poorly disposed chewing gum. People respond to guilt and blame, encouragement doesn’t work.
But what if this actually takes off? (It won’t, it is horrifyingly stupid) Imagine walking down the street to see kids jumping over bins to dispose of their gum doing The Gum Slam Dunk. A guy in a suit suddenly breaking in to The Gum Strut as he approached the bin. A woman bending over backward to perform The Gum Curve. The street will be changed and set to sense-warping skinny jeans indy garbage music as idiots in brightly coloured clothes perform miracles of flexibility to throw their gum in the bin as their friend snaps a pic of it and uploads to Facebook to the rapturous approval of their friends list. Steven DISlikes this.
I don’t want to live in this world. I don’t understand it anymore. If I see one person taking a picture of their “unique” bin move I will take him out with a Stone Cold Steve Austin style clotheline. But I’m not worried, nobody in this country is as stupid as the Gum Litter Task Force are encouraging them to be…for now.
My brain hurts. Can somebody give me a job in marketing please? I would love to live in your dumb world for a week. “Steve, we need you to come up with a slogan to stop people taking drugs.” Okay…uhhh…”If you take drugs your penis will stop working and policemen will sexually assault your anus.”
Boom. You people would be using money with my face on it within a year.