Work has been an absolute bitch over the past few weeks and the other day I started thinking “What happened to my hopes and dreams?”. You see, my job is where dreams go to die. I would be prouder of myself if I sold cigarettes to sick children if I was truly honest with myself.
What happened to all the things I wanted to be when I was a kid? I remember writing those silly papers in school when I was very young. You know those ones? “What I want to be when I grow up”. I had a few good ones and a few pretty ridiculous ones…much like my entries to this marvelous website…cosmic. I distinctly remember writing one where I was going to be Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park. Not a paleontologist, not a fantastical park ranger of a dinosaur amusement park, not the cooky old man that funded the thing, no. Specifically the character played by Sam Neill in the 1993 box office smash (and greatest movie ever made) Jurassic Park, Dr.Alan Grant. Why? He’s was bad ass, he LOVED Dinosaurs and had sick man-stubble. That’s how I wanted to live my life when I was (2)7.
I also wrote about wanting to be a helper for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the surface world, kind of like a human fifth Turtle. I wrote about how if Master Shredder and the Foot soldiers were up to no good I would know as I would have already infiltrated their gang. My awesome Kung Fu skills would have been noticed on the streets of 1990s New York City and I would have been recruited. While there I would learn their secrets and feed it back to the heroes in a half-shell. So, pretty much the plot to the second Turtles movie. Luckily the teacher hadn’t seen it. ACED IT!
There were a few others that were pretty mental. Astronaut, Rock Star etc. I also remember wanting to be a fireman at one point? Probably because I really got Fireman Sam as a young kid. He’s not a Dinosaur ranger or a Turtle informant, he’s the hero next door. Sam is the hero next door. Simples. If you think about it…when you are a kid you don’t care about money. All you care about is doing something that makes you happy. Where did it all go wrong?!
But if I were to do it all again things would be different. There is this job that very few people ever think of doing. It’s really easy. It’s really low stress. It pays massively, you bearly work and all you have to do is constantly lie. So I am going to travel back in time to a classroom in North Mayo in the early 90s and rewrite my future. I’m going to need some visual aids…
Jesus. Kylie Minogue. She’s lookin’ well hey. What was I talking about again? Oh yes!
“What I want to be when I grow up…around 2013”
When I grow up I want to be a politician so I can have loads of money and do nothing in my big lovely house with all of my friends. I want to run for election and tell lies to everybody in the country so they will vote for me so I can go in the Dail and fall asleep on the desk. I would have loads of time to draw pictures and colour in pictures and play football and watch TV and eat besketti and fart out loud and laugh.
I would have so much money that I would buy a biiiiiiigggg house for my Mammy and my Daddy and my brother and my other brother. Ohhh I would buy them a dog and a loads of goldfish so they could have fun when I am not there.
I would miss my family so I would find a girl to kiss and marry. I would love her and buy her sweets and bring her to the cinema and buy her a horse with my politician space money.
With all my days off I would go to Old Trafford to cheer for Manchester United. My favourite player is Ryan Giggs. He is so fast and he is young like me. I like him.
Sometimes I would go to work. Sometimes I would just play football all day and eat fish fingers whenever I wanted because I bought my Mammy a house and she will be proud of me. She tells me that if I keep eating them I will turn into a fish finger so hopefully she is right and then I can eat myself because I would be so lovely.
I would wear suits and drive a big fast car in a big field and listen to the radio and dance in the car and drive the car too. If I got in trouble with the guards I would just pay them to not be mad at me and never arrest me and they would like me then and be nice to me so that I don’t cut their moneys.
I want to be a politician when I grow up because it sounds like loads of fun.
Am I right or am I right?! Children of today! Hear me! Be politicians! Don’t ruin your lives being somebody else’s bitch! Make the country your bitch! As the saying going “God invented whiskey to stop the Irish from ruling the world.” Don’t drink Whiskey, children. Drink Dutch Gold and get that sweet sweet money!
I should give speeches at schools.