Wow! Easily our most psychotic guest blogger yet! I called bossman Rory earlier today to make sure it was legal to post such hatred, it was a 5 second call but he seems to think it’s all good.
“Rory we should get our legal team to check this before we post it. What’s that? Fuck the po-leece? Okay so Il post it.”
Ok take it away “Feds”. Uhhh…Enjoy??
Now I’m going to change the pace a little here. Everyone knows of Steves legendary hate for, and I quote “that skank whore Rihanna”. No one can deny that these eloquent displays of pure vitriolic loathing are, at worst, a stark portrayal of a madman’s ravings, and at best oddly convincing. However I am not here to spread hate about Rihanna and her terrible music/lifestyle choices… No I’m here to warn you all of something much worse, something that I believe has been sent by lucifer to destroy all that is good in this damned waste infested hell hole of a world.. Something that knowingly, and willingly sets out to annihilate every sliver of hope that people may hold that this world, with its infestation of wub wub wub music and swag idiots, may somehow improve.
What is this abomination I hear you scream in terrified dismay? Well children, I am here to tell you… This destroying goblin comes in the form of a curly haired horse faced pop singer by the name of Leona Lewis. This woman is nothing but pure, unadulterated evil. Her and her sick, twisted form of entertainment is bringing pain and suffering to the ears and minds of so many innocent people, including myself. Her warbling can only be described as a new, incredibly effective form of torture. Hearing her vibrato’ed screeching in my ears brings me physical pain.
Now people, don’t get me wrong. I’m a very lovely person. I make an awesome cup of tea and my dance moves have, on many an occasion, been described as mesmerising and ninja like. I hold great love for our president, the adorable little hobbit by the name of Michael d Higgins, and I don’t have much problem with many of today’s artists. In fact, I am fairly meh about basically all of them. I am in fact probably the most laid back person you could meet, sometimes to my detriment. However, this wench infuriates me beyond belief. All of my easy going nature and rationale goes out the window with her. Hearing five seconds of her voice has me shaking with anger. It’s not just the fact she looks like a goat, and in fact, sounds like a goat… Mainly because I love goats (fainting goats on YouTube, thank me later), it’s the fact that she appears to be systematically going through every song that gives me joy, and hope for today’s music industry, and crushes it, under the weight of her ginormous nose.
Exhibit A) Snow Patrol “Run”
One of the first songs I’ve ever truly fallen in love with, by a band that I am still madly in love with. Yes, overplayed on Irish radio, but overplayed for a reason… It’s simple, it’s a voice and a guitar and Gary Lightbody did a brilliant job with the production of it, in my opinion. Then this… This awful excuse of a person did a cover of it that was so fake and poppy and over done that every 11 year old was obnoxiously playing it on their phones in public spaces, saying oh I love that song “light up” by Leona Lewis. Why? Why was this allowed to happen? It’s beyond me. Hearing this piece of music murdered by this bad bad person is just upsetting to me.
Exhibit B) NIN/Johnny Cash “Hurt”
No. Just no. This should never ever ever ever have been allowed to happen. Johnny Cash made that song perfect and it should have gone to the grave with him. This whore just tarnished a song that Johnny Cash perfected. Anyone who has heard Mr. Cash cover this song knows that it is now his and no one should ever touch it… This wench was arrogant enough to think she had a chance of being as legendary as Johnny frickin Cash. For this, I feel she should be, not to put too fine a point on it, drop kicked in her stupid looking face then have her stupid looking hair pulled out one by one with a tweezers while being forced to listen to her own banshee screechings. I will not forgive for this.
Not to mention the fact that she hacked the song “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls… This woman is toxic to good music, hunting genuinely good songs down and ruining them for everyone. She is the spawn of Satan and I wouldnt be surprised if she harbours young children in a dungeon and injects them with cancer. For reals yo. We can’t have a mad haired goat woman running around injecting people with cancer… What would Ghandi do?? He’d knock that bitch straight out. Right in the face.
Now who’s with me? Burn the witch?
Leona, nobody likes you.