Shine bright like a fuckhead

While bored in the canteen at work today I found myself flicking through some girls magazine. There were no newspapers around and I was staring at boobies…vintage Steve. But what I found in there was HORRIFYING!! No, nothing to do with lady times or tips to please your man, no, it was much worse.

You know how I think Rihanna is the devil right? Well these people had this to say about her latest abortion “shine bright like a diamond”.

“We don’t normally take advice from Rihanna (mostly because she refuses to answer our 2am phonecalls) but something about her latest chart-topping tune struck a chord with us. Shine bright like a diamond, she instructs us, over and over, and we’ve decided to do just that. From today onwards instead of wasting energy moaning, complaining and generally being a Debbie Downer, shine bright like a diamond and see how a little positive thinking can change your life for the better!”

20130304-074749 p.m..jpg

Can you believe that shit? Seriously?! I have no idea what world I live in any more. Yes indeed, don’t be a ‘Debbie Downer’ folks. Its much better to be a lunatic who finds meaning in the horrible noises this fool creates. Listen to the warbles of this whore and take advice on life from it. Yes, top notch responsible journalism there. These people feed women this horseshit, make them think they are fat, ugly and unfashionable and somehow charge them for it? Ladies, that’s a double dose of shame you should be feeling…sort yourselves out before the earth is devoid of life. You won’t get a husband with that type of thinking ladies. You will grow old and die alone all the while shining bright like a diamond. You go girl!

Now, I realise that I am far from the target audience for this crap but still. I’m concerned for the world after reading it. I’m very serious. What this world needs is reality thrown right at it’s ignorant face and that’s why I am here – Iv finally found my lifes calling. What if a guys magazine (sounds gay) encouraged us to be like John McClane? You know, ditch your kids, kill all the terrorist while nursing a hangover on fire under water…pretty sure that wouldn’t make it to print.

So assuming people take her writers and handlers advice (and indeed shine brightly in a fashion resembling a diamond) what comes next? Rihanna the tv show…

“Hey Rihanna, iv just been caught stealing from a supermarket what should I do?” SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND!

“Hey Rihanna, my baby daddy won’t pay his child support and I’m addicted to crack” SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND!

“Hey Rihanna my boyfriend beat me up in a car what should I do?” Get back with him then SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND.

I’m gonna call it “Rihanna the Television show”…a catchy title I’m sure you will agree.

Shine bright like a diamond…fuck sake. Horseshit and complete bollocks. If any of you draw personal inspiration from guff like that you should defiantly kill yourself immediately…or at least stop reading this blog because you are a poorly functioning human being. Seriously, kill yourself. You are wasting valuable oxygen and your organs could be used to save others.

This whore is talentless and is worth a fucking fortune…Fuck this world and everything in it. The most depressing part of this song actually being published is that (obviously she didn’t write it) it actually took FOUR SONGWRITERS! Are you serious Mr.Steve? Yes, I am! Look it up! Sia Furler, Tor Erik Hermansen, Mikkel Eriksen and Benjamin Levine. Fact. Henceforth known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse these brain-surgeons pooled whatever collective IQ they had into this bull. I wonder how it all came about?

“Shiiii”
“…you can do it…”
“Shiiiinnnny”
“…nearly…”
“Shine?”
“Yaaaay! You dids yours part!!”
“Yaaay! I happy time! Now you draw word”
“Kay! Give me crayon! Bright?”
“I love it, bright and shinies stuffs!”
“What think it like?”
“It like fire?”
“Uhhuh, or like a new red shiny drive car! Beep beep!”
“Hahaha you funny with mouth!”
“OHHH IT LIKE DIAMOND!!!”
“IN THE SKY?!!”
“Yaaaay we do words good!”
*Door Opens
“Hi guys! What have you got for me?”
“Hi Rihanna we have paper with Shine bright like a diamond in the sky written on it! You like words?”
“Lose the ‘In the sky’ part…repeat the first part five hundred and sixty eight times, slap it on an autocue so I don’t forget it and let’s make another hit!
“Derpy Derp!”
“Derp!”

True Story.

That wraps up another cheerful blog entry. Classic me.

Steve

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About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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