Okay folks I have a confession to make. I try to hold myself to a higher standard than the general public but it would seem I am no better than a common bum. I was getting the bus home to my parents house for my younger brothers birthday party and still had to buy a ticket. I noticed that there were no staff behind the ticket desk in the bus station so I had to use the ticket machine thing. I selected my route, pressed the screen for payment options and there it was…€27.50. That is just extortion for that journey trust me!
I saw an student fare option and that was €20. There is no way for this machine to determine if I was a student or not so where was the challenge? I was concerned that there may be cameras on it to ensure that people are not exploiting this student rate so I began to act like a student to convince the machine and everybody around me that I was due the student fare. So after chugging a full bottle of vodka and coke I began running around the bus station screaming in peoples faces. I threw my bottle at a car, shouted “Wheeeeeeeaaaaay!” and pissed on the wall. I complained to anybody that would listen about how ‘hard’ my course was and updated my Facebook to say “just had a charcoal grill LOL!”. I climbed the nearest pole after throwing a flare at an elderly woman and waited for the approval of others before puking in Supermacs and shifting the closest lady. By this stage I had convinced everybody (and the machine) that I was indeed a normal student in Galway and pressed the student fare option on the screen. Crime feels so good.
The journey home gave me time to think about my crime of pressing the student button. Maybe that extra €7.50 was paying for a mans salary? Perhaps those extra few Euros funds overtime for struggling staff members? I realised there and then that I was now a hardened criminal and as such I need to go underground, lay low from Johnny Law.
My mother was inconsolable. My decision to go rogue is tough on the poor woman, I’m the best looking son she is ever going to have and now Im gone and her dreams of grandchildren die with me, my brothers are impotent you see. My father told me to stick to the tunnels and not to trust any group of ninjas recruiting young men. “Find the Ninja Turtles son, never join The Foot because that Master Shredder lad is an awful bastard.” He always knows just what to say. Mrs.Steve was informed that I had been killed in a “Worlds Sexiest Man” competition for successfully winning the swimsuit contest while wearing an Astronauts suit. She nodded her head, looked to the skies and screamed “Whyyyyyyyyy?! Whyyyyyyyyy?! Why did he have to be so competitively good looking?!”. She had been fearing this day for some time now.
All of this was fine but I needed to get the bus back to my house to retrieve my various shit. This would not be easy, not as easy as faking my own death to ease Mrs.Steves worries anyway. They say never return to the scene of a crime but I had no option! I would have to go back on the bus and face the bus driver men trying to lock me up for life! This would not be easy for an ordinary man but Steve is no ordinary gentleman.
You see, apart from being brilliant at everything else I am also a master of disguise. In fact, I have at one time successfully convinced all of your girlfriends that I was you! It’s true! It’s quite easy to do when you are as great as me. I simply stole clothes from you all and called to your house while you worked. For example…
“Hello girlfriend, I am home early today from whatever it is I do. Yes it is me, your boyfriend Rory! Behold my Roryness! Is tonight our sex night? Marvelous! I should warn you though, my penis is far larger than you may remember it from the last time you in bed with me, your boyfriend Rory, but don’t worry about that. It happens. Perhaps it will go back to it’s usual size the next time? Oh ho ho, being Rory is rorylicious. Im Rory.”
So as you can see I am clearly a master of disguise. I needed a disguise that would blend in on public transport. You know, nothing that would draw attention to me.
Osama Bin Laden is dead so out of sight out of mind I think. Il be fine.
Life on the lamb is going to be tough but I would rather slit my own throat than pay close to €30 to sit uncomfortably on a rediculously old bus going 2.56 miles an hour for two and a half hours on shitty country roads. Life on the run is worth that extra €7.50 in my pocket. Viva la resistance!!