Hello. My name is Steven from thecityfathers.com and I’m here to ask for your support in my campaign to become the next Pope. I would appreciate you taking the time to read my proposal and maybe I can get your vote.
Okay, so we all know religion is a pile of lies spun by weirdos in black clothes, right? The catholic church has such influence in our world and I personally want to exploit it’s power for my own gain. I look around at this world and see it being destroyed before our very eyes. School shootings, murder, rape, war, oil prices and of course Kanye West. Should we accept this? Can we do any better for our world? Yes. Yes, we indeed can. Now some of you may find my solutions a little “extreme”, “over-the-top” or “homicidal” but these are necessary for
my our new world. It is a simple 5 point plan.
1. Disprove Religion.
Okay, day one. DAY ONE. I will find the secret files written by my ancient predecessors marked “The big Jesus thing” and read it aloud outside of that window thing to my new followers revealing the lies told to generations of “Catholics”. Sure there will be tears, disbelief and anger but I want that.
2. Harness the anger.
I may have blown the Catholics tiny minds with my revelations but they will respect me for my honesty and hold me up as their new leader…their new God if you will. Now it’s time to use them for my own will. These people have been laughed at for their entire lives…mostly by me…blindly following whatever load of bollocks the freaks in the black clothes tell them only for somebody like me to show up? Young, good looking, charismatic, violently opinionated. Yip, il make them forget about that Jesus lad.
Imagine what I could do with an army of pissed off
losers Catholics! I shall organise them, sort them into classes and send them out to reclaim the world.
3. Re-brand the Church.
A highly expensive re branding operation will begin immediately. No expense will be spared as I have my face crudely superimposed over all the Jesus merchandise throughout the world. Steveism shall be born.
After my army have reclaimed the earth in the name of Steveism. I shall begin work on my most ambitious proposal.
4. The NEW New testament.
Steveism needs it’s bible and il write it. In short it will basically encourage my decipals to challenge the supposed norm. For example why is somebody as talentless as Will.I.Am a bajillionaire? And why wont he just call himself William? This cannot be. He and the rest of the Black Eyed Peas will be savagely beaten and left on the side of road with Black Eyes. Cruel irony will be a pillar of Steveism.
Gay Marraige will of course be allowed. It’s 2013 folks, things need to change. Gay couples will be rewarded with cash if they have SuperGay weddings on front of beaten up KKK members, bonus points if you’re an interracial gay couple with Wham playing at the reception.
Female priests will be introduced, big hairy female priests.
Throughout the world problems like shit music and poverty will be dealt with by my army and I can sit back to enjoy a world designed for me by me. The poor will be given cushy high paying jobs as the misguided rich and powerful shall be banished from the land after being robbed to fund the erection (hehe “fund the erection”!) of 1000s of statues of the true lord and savior Ryan Giggs. Steveism is as complex as it is viciously close minded so at least the Catholics wont be too lost in their new religion. Insert smug smily face here!
5. Get a Batmobile.
Okay this has nothing to do with anything but I just want a Batmobile and I’m pretty sure as Pope I can make that happen.
Vote Steve for Pope 2013!