Steve vs Positive Thinking

New Year, New You? F**k off! I am so sick of people spouting this positive mental attitude bull. I can never get on board with this nonsense and every new year it starts it’s cycle of apocalyptic gobbledy gook.

“If you think positively you can do anything” BULL! BULL! BULL! This is the sort of crap that turns normal everyday people into these arrogant twats. “Yuhh guys, I’m gonna start going to the gym on the first of january, lose 50 pounds and cure cancer after my lunch of rice cakes and oxygen”. This same person gives up on the gym after two weeks of crying into a pizza box. Admit it, you’re reading this right now and you have already given up on the gym. Me thinking positively and traveling to Houston, Texas may get me a tour of NASA but they won’t let me go into space to fight the Martians, or whatever they do up there. I’m not a person who thinks positively and expects sugar to fall out of my nipples such would be my positivity. Nor am I a pessimist…I am a realist.

If thinking positively worked there would be zero poverty. Homeless people would stare at the ground, close their eyes really hard, wish upon a star only to open them again to a gigantic mansion with their names monogrammed on the gates as French maids tickled their wee wees and who whos.

If thinking positively worked clocks would easily be reversed to allow you extra time in bed as the toast butters itself downstairs in your home located high above Jurassic Park (Okay, maybe that’s just what I would do). If thinking positively worked I would fly to Manchester tomorrow. I would show up at Carrington and inform Sir Alex Ferguson that I was the new starting number 9 for Manchester United and also that Robin Van Persie can never be injured again due to a magic surgery I had just performed. “His ankles are fine gaffer, look at him playing there! He loves our new signings doesn’t he? Hey! Ronaldo! Messi! Stop fighting! We are all friends now.” What’s that they are kicking? Ohh it’s David De Gea, nice Hack the bone, Nemaja! Hack the bone!.”

Why am I going off on this rant? I was listening to a radio show in bed a few nights ago, it was a current affairs type thing. They had a PR consultant on the panel telling everybody that a lack of positive attitude in the Irish consumer is what is deepening this recession. To say my jaw hit the floor is an understatement. It is these idiots thar drive me insane. A college graduate that has never worked a day in his life telling people in negative equity that it will be all okay if we spend spend spend! Water charges, Bin charges, stamp duty, household charge, property tax, the Universal Social Charge, crippling budgets, carers allowances removed, zero means testing on social welfare, childrens allowance for rich folk, negative equity, collapsing banks, bloated precious public sector workforce on ludicrous wages doing 20 hours work a week, promissory notes, corrupt government(s), Angela Merkel, more Taxes, immigration and David De Gea. Don’t worry, it all goes away if we just smile. He has no clue about the real world and has no right to say crap like that. I wish I could beat him to within an inch of his life and then plant him in rich soil to grow six more of him so I could beat him up 7 days a week.

Thinking positively is pointless. You can show up with a smile on your face everyday but you are still fat, ugly, old and going nowhere in your job. Get some reality in your life and stop telling me to be positive! Kindly fuck all the way off. That my friends…is a rant.


About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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