It is no secret that we here at TheCityFathers.com hate modern music but nobody, and The Rock means nobody, pisses us off more than that skank whore Rihanna. (That dear reader is how you start a blog)
The radio was on at work the other day and the presenter passed it to the ads. Something horrible happened and I woke up two hours later in a daze with a gash on my forehead and a crowd around me. The edge of my desk had a blood soaked dent in it and suddenly everything came flooding back. There was an ad on the radio for a gig…a horrible horrible gig.
“Rihanna LIVE in the O2 Arena Dublin. Hear all of Rihannas’ smash hits LIVE this summer. Tickets from €59.50 including booking fee. Rihanna LIVE in association with Today FM.”
Rihanna Live? That’s a laugh. The only thing live about a Rihanna concert is the bacteria in the toilets. Do you actually think she is singing on stage? Come on now people, it’s miming and you know it. I don’t think Autotune and ProTools can be done live…nope, defiantly can’t master a vocal track live on stage. I doubt even NASA could pull that off let alone the group of Nazis that produce her horrible noises.
€59.95? Are you fucking kidding me? Sixty Euros to listen to a Rihanna CD in a venue. No thanks. Seriously, that is my idea of torture. Pull out my teeth, rip off my toenails as I walk across hot coals while being shot at. Force my eyelids open and show me scene after scene of horrible atrocities. Break my fingers and stand on the bloody stumps of my former hand. Burn my ass with cattle prods and whip my back. Force me to go back to school DO YOUR FUCKING WORST! I would take it all and smile but never make me pay money to watch to that hooker mime along to her own over produced, fake brand of bollocks. People say “Yes, I know it’s not great music but you can dance to it.” You can dance to an infant banging on pots and pans but doesn’t mean it is music.
How many times do I have to tell you?! I cannot remember lyrics! It needs to be at least 500% more repetitive. How many times do I say Ella? 37? No, make it 136478854 times or I’m not recording it. A star is born. Rihanna, lyrical genius.
Sixty Euros to see her mime? Shoot me. It will probably sell out in 6.4 seconds. That is a lot of money my friend. Imagine all the things you could do with sixty euros. You could take your partner out for dinner in a reasonably priced restaurant, twice. You could enjoy a night out on the beer with your friends. It’s half of a years membership in a gym. For those of you with a sweet tooth that sixty euro is easily converted into SIX THOUSAND penny sweets. You could go to a local unsigned band five times and use the remaining €10 to buy their album after the gig. That sixty euros could be used to buy the best video game of this console generation, Batman: Arkham City preowned THREE TIMES! Why would you buy three copies of the same game you ask? In case you have sex with the first two, obviously! It’s that good.
You could buy flights to another country. You could buy sixty euros worth of petrol and drive as far away from that gig as the petrol would allow. You can literally do millions of things with that money but my personal favourite is this. You can buy all six of Rihanna’s albums on iTunes for €60.94. So, for one more of your hard earned euros you can buy all of her ‘music’ and have the exact same ‘quality’ experience as seeing her ‘live’. Also, it is truly astonishing that this whore has had six studio albums published. Searching for Rihanna on iTunes was a horrible experience for me but what can I say? I am a top notch journalist and I will plunge my hands into the filth of a story for you, my sexy readers, and rip the lid off of it. You’re welcome.
..Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella,