Folks, you might need to sit down because I’m about to blow your mindballs. This morning I took a gentleman’s stroll towards my bathroom to shower the weekend away. It was early, too early, and I needed to kill some time. “A shower, that’s just the ticket!” I exclaimed as brushed my perfect teeth. I hopped into the shower and let the hot water burn the bejesus out of me. It was quite early. After adjusting the temperature I was back on track. I reached for the shower gel only to discover…I was out of Shower Gel! Disaster!
I wept openly while sliding face first down the wall of the shower, all was lost. I turned off the water and grabbed a towel to walk back to my room…hairy, unshowered and wet. I took a long look at my myself in the mirror. I called myself every name under the sun before spotting the hand-wash bottle. “Hand Wash ey? If it can clean a hand it can clean me!” I thought. What could go wrong?
Nothing, that’s what! It’s just soap everybody! What a find! I can’t believe we as a species have been led to believe that certain soaps go for certain things! Hand wash, Shower Gel, Shampoo? It’s all freakin’ soap. Who is to say that Oven Cleaner doesn’t make a fine mouthwash? Nobody, that’s who. If we don’t try these things we will never advance past these little holes we have been placed in by marketeers and their damn science.
There right, I am ripping up the rule book folks. I encourage you, my disgusting public, to try out these things in your own squalors. In these times of deep recession for those NOT in receipt of state benefits flexibility is key.
Old socks = your new kitchen towels.
Old work shirts = stylish new tablecloth.
Last nights Pizza Box = a new friend.
The possibilities are endless. I for one am never buying stuff or things again. I’m sure old shoe polish makes a wonderful mascara for the lady in your life and nothing is stopping me from converting old bread into a fashionable winter coat…why the limitations? But what about kids? What toys will they play with in this lifestyle? Old. Booze. Containers. Kids love noisy shit, give them cans to kick around outside or maybe some old needles from grannys house? They can invent whole worlds with a shiny plastic toy so who is to say Disneyland is any better than a few empty beer cans, a stick and a big bucket? Nobody that’s who!
Be creative with your scientific breakthroughs folks and always remember to reuse, recycle and stop buying shower gel…it’s a con.
Repent! And you shall be saved.