Don’t worry everybody, I’m back! There were rumours circulating online that I had in fact been killed by blogging competitors but I’m here to assure you, Steves people, that I am safe and as unwell as before.
Now, when you read the title you would be forgiven for thinking I lost a spelling bee or something but it nothing like that. “Wheelbarrow”…that’s a long word, see? I’m a sick
smeller speller. What I do have a problem with is understanding why some words are spelled ridiculously. Stay with me here.
I was watching TV yesterday and noticed an ad for FLEM medication. Only, that’s not the correct way to spell it – it’s phlegm. PHLEGM?! What?! Why is that word structured in such a needlessly complicated fashion. It is like being in another country and discovering a foreign word for something you buy everyday. It’s always funny, you mock that country and everything it stands for and move on with your life, right? We apparently have to live with this nonsense of a spelling! Let’s have a look at this shall we?
Let’s start with the constant thorn in my side…the ph sound. Why?! Why?! Why does putting “puh” and “huh” together create an F sound?! Why? It seems so pointless. What happened that day in the word factory? Did nobody mention to Sargent WordMan that they have a letter near the start of the alphabet that does the work of both p and h together? Why must this continue, it doesn’t make any sense! Phone? No! It should be Fone! Shouldn’t it be spelled phonetically? That’s right…that word also has a ph at the start, make sense of that. Ballsacks.
So why do I hate the ph so much? Take my name for example, Stephen. StePHen…ph. Why? Why? Why? Why does ph (used everywhere else as an F sound) suddenly become a V sound?! Why?! I spell it Steven as a protest, the other way should only be Step-hen or Stefen if you were to play buy these rules…but i don’t play by anybody’s rules, not even my own. Think about it..if I was to refer to myself as “Steve” any other way than I just did I would sign my name as ‘Stephe’ or ‘Stef’. Oh hello there Stefff how are you this morning? “Fucking pissed off the English language prevents me from shortening my name actually, Tom! You have it so easy in life”.
So if they didn’t confuse the hell out of you with the ph at the start they just fuck a G in there too. PHleGm…honestly what is the point of that letter sitting there alone and confused? Was there a shortage of words in the English language featuring a g so they through one in here?! Can I start doing that too? Corn-fGlakes. Or Corn Phlagkes. Televigion! Upsigde dowgn. Come off it! It’s f**cking FLEM!!!