I have now realised a life long dream of mine, I am the proud shareholder of a football club. I own a percentage of a
crappy famous old Spanish team Real Oviedo. My boys are languishing in the Spanish 3rd division and in horrific financial trouble so I stepped up and put the entire City Fathers jelly bean budget into the club. I own a cool €11.50 worth of Spanish minnows Real Oviedo! True story!
Essentially what is going on is that due to economic circumstances in Spain and the club being relegated to the Segunda B (Spanish third division) the club needs to raise two million euros or face extinction. Also their former president is on the run from Interpol…yip! Embezzlement of the highest order.
Believe it or not that is their stadium! It seats 30,500 people, pretty damn impressive for a team about to close their doors. The stadium was renovated for the 1982 World Cup and hosted the first game. Wikipedia much?
The thing is this. The supporters groups have started this campaign through social media and Sid Lowe is promoting it big style and that’s how I heard of the plight of Los Azules. That means “The Blues” according to my translator machine. The fans have taken control and the club are selling shares to raise capital to finally pay back the players, tax man and crippled Spanish banks. Once enough money has been raised (€2m) the shares will be given back to the club to entice a buyer due to the potential social media explosion of notoriety. The shares will be sold to some Mr.Moneybags at the price we bought them for and everybody is happy. Think of it as charity, sexy sexy charity.
So why am I now a shareholder in this club? Because it’s funny! If I buy three more shares (4 total) I can attend the AGM next year! That is where the real fun begins! “There’s gonna be a few f**kin’ changes around here lads!” I’d say as I kick the boardroom door down at the AGM.
The clubs motto is “Pride, Courage, Drive”. What a crock that is. It should be “Relegation, Relegation, Relegation”. They are a bunch of damn losers over there in Oviedo. Coach Felix Sarriugarte has his finger on the button over there but he hasn’t got the chops. Has he won the World Cup with Ireland while also managing Manchester United on FIFA 13? No? I have. One nil to the Stevester. Don’t even get me started on the Chairman Antonio Fidaldo. Look at the mess this club is in Antonio! Sure, you just took over as your predecessor is on the run from the law but still! I want you out of my club sir!
What we owners of Real Oviedo need is a man who can lead us back to La Liga after a 10 year hiatus. What we need is a man with passion and a careless abandon. What we need is a man to ignite the loins of the local ladies. What we need is me, Steve. I have a five point plan for the glorious return of my boys Real Oviedo to La Liga within two years. Consecutive promotions require careful planning, finacial stability and of course me running every aspect of the club. My five point plan.
1. Appoint myself as Manager and Chairman, ousting Fidaldo and his lapdog Sarriugarte.
2. SIGN. LIONEL. MESSI. I know what you’re thinking and I agree. There is no way in hell we could sign Messi…or is there? I am a very good looking and charming man as you know, I could sell you your own watch as you wear it. It’s quite simple really. “Lionel, how’s tricks? Com’ere and I tell ya, I need you to sign for my boys Real Oviedo. Why? Because you are the only man that can get back to back promotions for my team while scoring all of the goals…I dare ya!” Boom, free transfer. My other plan is to ring him and say “Lionel, d’ya know what would be really funny?…”
3. Sign Cristiano Ronaldo. This will be even easier. “Cristiano, I love you and this is why I called. Messi is talking about you. He wont shut up about how much better than you he is and that he can score more goals than you in a season even if you two were on the same team.” Boom, free transfer.
5. Champions League winners.
It really is that simple.
Ok so if you want to help my new club out you can donate as little as €11.50 for a share on our dedicated donations page here. In all seriousness it’s pretty cool owning a share in a club! The best part about this is that you can never be responsible for any debts but also you will not be entitled to any monetary gain. It’s just a little charity but you get to call yourself an shareholder of a football club. I’m a big boy now!
Also…club website email address, reply to my requests for a commemorative paper share in English dammit! I dont speak spanish! You promised me that it would be posted out. It has been 24hrs and I still do not have a paper copy of my share! Where is Spain anyway? It’s near Galway right? Get your thumb out of your ass!
Save my club!!!!