“So there it was. Steves Landlord delivers the shot heard ’round the world. Steve is out of the high rent house. He’s got offers from ECW, The WWF, All-Japan, New Japan, Foster Court and all Steves gotta do is make a decision!”
–Nah Steve, that’s for somebody else
I expect Rory to get that paraphrased paragraph. That’s about it, Rory. One guy…tops! I apologise for my absence this past week or so but I have been super busy with this epic move. I know how empty your lives have been without me and I am genuinely sorry but you people must understand I am a busy individual. I know you have spent your evenings holding your breath using your self-harmed arm while chronically masturbating with the other but people please!!! Get a hobby or something, Iv got other shit to do sometimes. Your death threats/love letters were appreciated and I have instructed my secretary to keep them on file for my future self to peruse.
So here I am in my new house blogging for the first time. I have to say it’s pretty sweet. It’s got at least four walls and a roof, I had to bring the forth wall to my last place myself, I stole it from the building site of a childrens hospital. I’m fairly sure they still built it? Oh actually I think it’s a KFC now, my bad.
I am basically just letting you, Steves People, know that I’m here and well. Over the next few days I will get back into the swing of things and blow your sexy minds with my words but for now il just tell you a quick story about the move.
Ok so I moved in to the new house on Friday afternoon. I got my room all set up majestically – you know…by pointing everything at my TV and Xbox of course. Myself and my new room mates began drinking heavily while playing FIFA 13. A four player session of FIFA is what I imagine rainbows taste like. My team won of course and we high fived as gentlemen before making our way into town. Drinks were consumed and for a reason I am yet to understand I woke up shivering on the SteveChair in my old house! Yes, the very house I moved from earlier that day! Ohhhhhhhhhh DrunkSteve you old scamp.
I struggled to open my eyes as I removed a take-away bag from my lap. I rubbed my eyes, looked around at somewhat familiar surroundings and went into a state of panic. “IV BEEN ROBBED!” I screamed internally for about 30 seconds before realising I didn’t live in the house any more and was probably trespassing on another mans property. I took a lengthy whizz in the SteveBathroom. As I watched the water turn from water to pretty much regurgitated beer (I call it the “yesterday piss”) I thought about all the memories myself and the SteveCave shared. I composed myself and made my sexy way out of there…for the very last time. Classic DrunkSteve.
I’m back lads and ladies, I envy you all.