I had a rough start to the day this morning. I forgot to switch my air conditioning back on before I went to bed last night. I woke up feeling like absolute shit again, hungover without the fun of the night before but it was ok, because I was going to go to an NFL game today. So I lethargically threw one leg out of the bed exposing my legendary shlong, before throwing my other leg out to join the first and hiding said magnificent penis back into it’s hairy manly abode snuggled comfortably within my “Worlds Best Lover” boxer shorts I received from the nice folks over at the Guinness World Records Headquarters. I had a quick Skype chat with the family to rub in my continued success and their all too familiar failings namely having to live their lives without the glory of my presence. Sure my brother may have had a baby with his wife but there isn’t a baby big enough or cute enough to replace this fucker right here!
So I made my way to the game driving on the 101 at 65 with the top down and the tunes up. Red Hot Chillipeppers Rollercoaster of love was playing and life seemed good. It was at that point that a crackhead jumped out in front of my car and because the top was down, after I hit him he didn’t just roll over the car, he rolled over the windshield and right into the passenger seat. I slowed down and pulled off at the next exit to make sure he was ok. He said that he was but he’d really like some crack, we both laughed then I told him to get the fuck out of my car with a sigh of self satisfaction I continued on my way. I chose to park at a special parking area for VIP’s about 2 miles from the stadium and was brought to the stadium itself via a luxury automobile. On the school bus a gentlemen wearing a Miami Dolphins cap remarked to me “Hey, Another Florida team fan, how are ya doin Buddy”. I told him I wasn’t his buddy, guy but he didn’t seem to get it, instead he kept talking to me about how he use to work in Phoenix and can’t believe he lived in this heat for as long as he did, it was at this point that he offered his wife to me for casual sex, I declined as she was quite old and I was still tired from all the sex I had after breakfast. You should have seen the look on his sons face. A roll of the eyes in a kind of “Ohh jesus, there he goes trying to pimp mom out again, he’s so embarrassing, I wish he’d just die already” look.
I arrived at the stadium 45 minutes before the game. A young African American gentlemen approached me asking if I could sell him a ticket. I held my hands up and said “please don’t hurt me, I’ll give you anything you want sir.” Cops quickly intervened spraying pepper spray in his eyes and dragging him away. I shook my leg to shake off the remaining trickle of urine streaming down my calf and entered the stadium with relative ease. I approached a concession stand and asked what kind of hot dogs they were serving today, I was told they did not serve hot dogs. I asked to speak to the manager, I explained to the manager that if he didn’t get me a hot dog right now I would tell the stadium security that I got away from my family and was lost, I asked him for help and he molested me. The man spoke into a walkie talkie and within minutes a teenager came running up the escalator with a hot dog, one of the fringe benefits of looking like a 12 year old. I told him “I guess that will do” with an evil smile I flicked some cheese at him and walked out to my seat.
That’s right ladies, I’ve got cheese on my wiener. So onto the game itself. It was a rather drab affair lots of footballs being thrown, people being tackled. Barbaric carry on by a bunch of neanderthals. The game ended after 4 hours when it went to overtime, a lad named Jay Feely won the game and my heart by kicking the winning field goal to seal it for the Arizona Cardinals. I waited outside the stadium for the teams to come out, when they did I met Larry Fitzgerald, one of the true greats in the NFL and all around nice guy. I told him I want to be inside him and eat his face. He looked a little scared by that but I assured him it was only the way we could become the one person and the only way I could ever win a Superbowl ring. So here I am sitting in a jail cell posting a blog on what’s considered contraband here. All I wanted was to fuck Larry Fitzgerald and become a Superbowl Champion but it looks like Larry Fitzgerald ended up fucking me and I’m going to become the blowing prison officers champion instead. Oh well, it still beats working in retail.
Where are you going with your DREAD-locks blowing in the wind. We could have been the greatest Larry!