The Burger Industry : The Conspiracy

Not many people will know this about me but I have always wanted to be a journalist. I attempted to do that in college but the they rejected my application for being, and I quote, “too much of a lunatic” to even begin. Well now I have my own publication to journalize on!!! Whose is laughing now college of learn words house? See, I can write good don’t I not you? Word.

Journalism at it’s heart is a quest for the truth and today, my beautiful sexy reader, I give you the truth. The Burger Industry is raping you! Raping you!! The whole game is designed to infuriate and confuse you. It’s the truth!

Think about it. Frozen burgers come in packs of 4 or 8. Burger buns come in packs of 6. This puts your nuts in a vice. Say you eat your 4 burgers thus using 4 burger buns. You loved them, you want more. You look in your cupboard to see 2 burger buns and think to yourself “Steve, you handsome adonis of a human being, you should have burgers tonight”. You skip over to the fridge to pull out your burgers but NO!!! There are no burgers left! After bursting into tears and then composing yourself you go to the shop and buy a 4 pack of burgers. Good times.

The next day you go to the fridge to see what you’ll eat later in the day. You see 2 remaining burgers. You skip to the cupboard to grab burger buns but NO!!! There are no burger buns left!!!

The whole idea behind the making and enjoying of burgers is a sick and twisted game. The only way to mathematically ensure zero burger-ingredient hangover is to buy 2 packs of burger buns and 3 packs of burgers. 12 to 12. Why? Why? Why must I buy so many things if I fancy a burger at 3am? I have resolved to unravel their web of fuck by writing an open letter on behalf of you, my boys, my loyal readers, to the heads of the Burger Industry.

Dear Burger folk,

My name is Steven and I love burgers. It occurs to me that you are playing a game of “ring around the idiot” with my hard earned cash. Must you make your vital ingredients so diverse in quantity? Let’s think about this here. I have often been caught out by this but have rectified it by stapling my current burger to burger bun ratio to my face, this ensures zero ingredient hangover. But what about those less intelligent than I? Take Paddy Joe for example.

Paddy Joes mother asked him to go to the shop to buy burgers and burger buns for the family. He bought 4 burgers and 6 burger buns and sauntered home for the feast at hand. When he gets home his mother realises the waste of two perfectly good burger buns and sends Paddy Joe back to the shop for another pack of burgers. On the way Paddy Joe is viciously murdered by opportunistic thieves. His mother, upon finding his badly beaten body, takes her own life due to the guilt. His father now has nobody to cook his dinner and slowly dies due to starvation over a period of weeks. You sick bastards. This is your fault.

I beg of you! Call the bun companies and thrash out a deal to equalise the quantities to prevent future loss of life!


We at stand up for you, the little guy, in vital day-to-day battles. We love you and hate to see THE MAN keep you down. Rise up reader! Rise up against the pricks ruining your burger eating! Burger Overlords…repent and you shall be saved.



About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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