The other day I sat down to check my emails while watching TV, something I do several times a day. I usually check them on my phone so it takes a few seconds for all of them to come through. A lot of times these are just updates or notifications from various websites or blogs that I subscribe to, usually twitter. As I scrolled down through a few emails I noticed one in particular as it shocked me, it was an email from Facebook. Now, I’m quite sure that everybody reading this is well used to seeing emails from Facebook and perhaps you have tuned them out. I’m sure, like me with twitter emails, you just click delete and move on without ever reading them. But me getting an email from Facebook is extremely odd as (wait for it) I AM NOT ON FACEBOOK!!
I have absolutely no interest in it. People look at me like I have fifteen heads when I tell them that. Not being on Facebook is the new “I don’t have a TV”. It doesn’t interest me so I decided against it. It is such a “thing” about me now that when Rory set up the City Fathers FB page people actually text me saying “I knew you would eventually join!” Rory runs the Facebook-age of this magical blog, he’s quite good at it I’m sure.
I just don’t use it, if I want to talk to somebody I will call them or something. But, dearest sexy reader, I hate people. I tend to avoid people at any opportunity. My idea of utopia is an earth where just me and Scarlett Johansen reside. Even then I would still find an excuse to get rid of her for a day or two so I could be alone with my thoughts. Why (considering I’m a loner) would I join a service who’s sole purpose is to connect with other people all the live long day? It would not suit me.
Ok so now that you know a little more about good old Steve let’s get back to business. Why are they emailing me? How did they get my email address? What’s a “Facebook Friend”? I decided not to bother worrying about it and move on with my day – which I did, masterfully. Three days ago I received another email from Facebook telling me the same thing. “Here are some people you might know on Facebook”. I’m sure if I used their website that email would be very useful, but I don’t use that website! What the hell?!
I once again explained to myself that it was just some sort of a glitch and I moved on. That was until last night when I checked my email to find yet another email from Facebook. It was the same crap again…people I might know on Facebook. What the fuck is going on? Is Zuckerberg chasing me? Why are they emailing me and how the fuck did they get my highly exclusive personal email address? Seriously now if anybody has any idea why they would send a person an email that is not on their database please let me know in the comments below…please?
Three emails in a week from Facebook to a person not on Facebook is highly irregular. What is causing these emails? I decided to email them back to get to the bottom of this. I’m sure it will just bounce back to me as undeliverable mail considering that it is an automated service. Never the less this is what I sent to them.
“Dearest Facebook Man,
I am replying to this email to get some answers. You see this is the third email you have sent to me in a week but I do not use your Globe-shrinking service. Why is this?
“Here are some people you might know on Facebook” you say? I know those people in real life and that is enough for me thanks. Where did you obtain my email address? I am sure I clicked a box on some website that allowed them to email me with offers and the like. Perhaps this is linked to their business Facebook page and that led to this mix up? That is the only explanation that makes a slight bit of sense to me.
There is no reason for you to have my email address and I would like you to discontinue your plaguing of me. My name is (I gave full name) and I live in Galway here in broken beat and scarred Ireland. Can you please check that against your register and figure out why I am on your mailing list. When you find my details please take them out, turn them sideways and kick them directly into the centre of the sun. Or just press ‘delete’. Whatever suits you…I personally prefer my dramatic solution.
The only email I expect to see from you from now on is one containing an apology and an explanation of the methods used to obtain my details. I’m super serious. Do not make me deploy my skilled personal group of Ninjas.
I can’t wait for the response! Mark Zuckerberg please leave me alone!