So I haven’t posted anything in about a week and people have been asking “Where’s Steve? I miss that lovable rogue!”. I’d love to tell you that I have been busy house hunting, working hard and spending my evenings with a lovely lady but I haven’t. I have been gone for a whole week, lost to the world. I guess you want to know where I have been? Glad you asked.
It all started last Tuesday morning. After a hearty breakfast of Lion Bar Cereal with a side of Lion Bar Cereal I walked out my door and began the short walk to work. I bought a bottle of water in the local shop and turned the corner. I felt the concrete below me crack and break. The next thing I knew I was at the bottom of a huge hole in the earth.
It seemed like I landed majestically because when I came to I was sitting on a rock with my legs crossed holding a cup of tea. This led to more confusion. Was I set up? Who did it? Where was I? What time was it? Are those my feet? I endeavored to find answers to all of those questions and more.
I looked up to see darkness with a slight sign of light at the top. I needed to figure out how far below street level I was. I picked up one of the many stones at my feet and threw it upwards hitting what was now the ceiling of my sexy tomb. It was a long way up, too far to climb regardless of whether or not there was a chance of climbing, which there wasn’t. I looked to my right…darkness, I looked to my left…darkness. I couldn’t go up or to either side so my mission was clear. I began furiously digging at the floor.
I figured that digging to the centre of the earth was the obvious thing to do. After a few days of digging with my bare hands I stumbled upon something. Nothing could prepare me for what I was about to see. I was digging and digging until I crashed through a room that resembled a high society style study. I landed face first on a fine, well kept, carpet in the centre of the room. The smell of fine port was only bested by the tantalising aroma of high quality Cuban cigars. Smooth Jazz filled the room until it abruptly stopped and I could here voices…strange voices. I slowly dragged my sexy ass off the floor, opened my eyes and looked up. In four well crafted armchairs sat four Dinosaurs. Before you ask…I AM serious bro!
I gigantic Tyrannosaurus Rex picked his monocle out of his glass of port to confront me. He sniffed my clothes and used his hilariously tiny arms to grab my throat and pin me against the wall. I soiled myself masterfully as I wept for my mother.
“Raaaaaaaarrrr” he said.
“Dude, do you speak English?!” I cried.
“Yes, of course I do! What are you doing here?!”
“Listen, please don’t eat me, that sounds a bit shit. I fell down a hole and started digging in desperation. Next thing I knew I was here. What are dinosaurs doing here in the centre of the earth?”.
The T-Rex looked at a Velocoraptor sitting in a chair looking startled. He seemed like he was looking for approval…the Raptor obliged and nodded it’s powerful head. He released his vice-like grip on my neck and this is what he told me.
“Very well human, I well tell you my tale before I kill you. My name is Brendan The T-Rex. I too lived on the surface millions of years ago. This is my wife, Sarah The Raptor and my two children JP and PJ The Hybrid T-Raptors. Millions of your human years ago myself and Sarah began a courtship, we were inseparable. Being the first cross-breed couple in Dinosaur history was tough. Our parents and members of our respective packs despised our relationship often referring to it as ‘Sick’ and ‘Wrong’. Dinosaurs were much less accepting than they are nowadays. We were banished to the centre of the earth to spend the rest of our days away from our packs and families. I was tough at first but we had each other for comfort. We have spent the last few years caring for our children making sure they feel loved, perhaps its a reaction to the treatment we received from our parents? I guess it is. We have lived here for 3 million years surviving on Rats and Earth worms. One day we will return to the surface to see our families again to hopefully end this nonsense and introduce them to their grandchildren.”
After I complimented Brendan The T-Rex on his epic soliloquy I told him the bad news. I explained to him that a meteor crashed to earth and wiped out the entire species. Sarah The Raptor burst into tears, Brendan rushed to her aid and hugged her as he cried masculine tears. I was in fits laughing at the sight of a T-Rex hugging a Raptor with his wee tiny little arms. I made baby coochie coochie noises at them while I rolled on the floor laughing. The Dino-children found it funny also and mocked them with their superior arm lengths by getting items from hard to reach areas…oh what a time we had!
After that I formulated a plan. I needed to get back to earth and they wanted to see what Earth was like in 2012 millions of years after their brethren were killed by a sexy meteor. Brendan offered to use his big head and mouth to chew his way through the earth. This was a plan that showed no sign of failure.
Eventually we arrived at surface level down there in Australia. This was the first sight of the new earth to this Dino-Family. F**king typical it would be Australia filled with drunken Irish people in GAA jerseys! They had a look around as people ran away screaming, I laughed until it became boring. “Come on Brendan, I have to get back to Galway in Ireland. I have my disgusting public to entertain.” I said. He shrugged his shoulders, gathered up his family, put them all on his back and came over to me. “Which way to Ireland human?” “Uhh, that way??” I said while pointing upwards.” He picked me up with his mighty teeth and ran furiously towards ‘that way’.
The sounds of car alarms, crumbling buildings and screaming people did nothing to stop me from having a nice little nap for myself on the T-Rex journey home. I woke up in my own bed confused and dripping with T-Rex saliva. I checked downstairs in the Steve-cave for my new Dinopals only to find a note that read.
My family thanks you for bringing us to the surface world. It is a strange and confusing place that we will struggle to adapt to. I ate one of you humans earlier and it tasted fantastic, the array of flavours within you is fusion cuisine at its finest, thanks for the “kill everybody for the laugh” tip. Unfortunately, for your safety, we can never meet again, the army are looking for us so the scenes of us viciously murdering your human kind will be too much for your gentle soul. Sarah has left an egg in your kitchen so you will have something to remember us by. That’s right, in nine months you will have what you have always dreamed of…your very own dinosaur. Thank you for everything.
Brendan The T-Rex.
So that’s where I have been.