Yes, I’m giving it a go. Holy crap!!! Excuse me, Kirsty Gallager just appeared on my TV, she’s puuuurrrrdy! Ok I’m back now.
Where were we? Oh yes the quitting smoking thing. Its very very difficult folks, easily the hardest thing I have ever attempted. So let’s start with how it all began.
So I would smoke nearly 20 cigarettes a day up until maybe a year ago when I decided to cut down, which I did masterfully. I cut down to about 10-12 a day and I thought that would be enough but I have once again changed my mind. In the last two weeks or so I have cut down to 4-5 a day which in fairness is damn impressive! Would a round of applause be asking too much? I dont think so…go on, louder!! Put your back in to it, come on folks, bow down to my greatness!
The problem is this. I am a very competitive person and quitting smoking is my new challenge, I don’t fail at challenges. If I can go from 20 to 10 to 4 a day what is stopping me from quitting altogether? A FuckTonne of things it seems, this will be my Everest.
I conducted a bit of a survey amongst some of my closest and dearest friends, people I really respect and admire. So obviously I was the only person involved. I have carried a piece of paper around with me for the last two weeks to see what the pattern of my smoking would show. The results were shocking but totally not shocking. Here is an example of a day where I had seven cigarettes. It gives the time and place where I smoked.
08.00 – Walk to work.
09.50 – Work.
11.00 – Work.
14.00 – Lunch.
16.15 – Work.
19.30 – Walk home from work.
22.30 – After food.
Now I’m no Rocket Scientist but luckily a Rocket Scientists mental capacity is not needed here. My highly scientific experiment points to one thing…I hate my fucking job! The stress of dealing with it on a daily basis leads me to smoke…a lot. I had no interest in smoking when I was at home until after I had some food. This leaves me in a pickle. Clearly the way forward is to quit my job and stop eating right?!
So what the hell do I do? I cannot quit my job because I understand money can be exchanged for goods and services? I enjoy many types of goods and my services include broadband meaning access to the blog. If I lose broadband due to quitting my job you lot will lose me. Imagine your world without my nonsense. Admit it, if this was another blog you would have stopped reading after the first paragraph but because it is good ol’ Steve you stuck with it. Am I impressed? Not really, you people love me. Your praise is becoming boring. Just send cakes or something.
Why am I quitting you ask? There are many reasons really. Health is one but I defy medical science. I have not eaten a vegetable since, well, I have no idea! I eat what ever I want whenever I want and it doesn’t affect me. I could probably smoke for the next 70 years and still be running around my kitchen throwing jelly beans at my face and consuming which ever ones go in my face hole. There is another reason that I don’t want to get into on here but the number one main reason is purely financial.
My good friend Alan describes smoking as “a tax on the stupid” and I am really starting to agree with him. Last week I was doing my grocery shopping and had a certain amount of money in my wallet but not enough to pay for everything I had in the basket. Sure, I could easily have gone to an ATM to take a bit more cash out but I was feeling lazy. I dropped back a pack of burgers so I could buy cigarettes without walking to an ATM. That kind of got to me. I bought something that will eventually kill me rather than have a healthy walk to get more cash to buy food to keep me alive. I know they were big greasy burgers but you see my point.
I cannot justify paying nearly €10 a day to slowly kill myself anymore. Sure, based on how my body works, they won’t kill me but Id rather not spend so much money on these things. I know what my fellow smokers are thinking here. It is impossible to explain to people why you smoke and what you get out of it but I guess il try. Will I miss it? Hell yeah il miss it.
I love smoking. It’s awesome. It just feels right to me. Il miss the feeling of a brand new packet in my hand. Il miss the frustration of trying to get that first cigarette free from his clingy brethren. Il miss that first intake of sweet sweet toxic fumes into my blackened heart and lungs, ohh how il miss that majestic first cloud of blueish-grey smoke that I exhale that signifies my borderline orgasmic relief. Il miss that lightheadedness after smoking too quickly on the sly outside the back door of the shop. Il miss the fun in pub smoking areas, chatting up women just for fun knowing they never have a shot at ALL THIS! Il miss that sweet post-pizza cigarette which is the very definition of the word “victory”. Il miss so many things but I guess I have a lot to look forward to also. Health and stuff…so boring.
Ironically I have just noticed I have had two cigarettes writing this! On that note il leave you. Wish me luck!