Guest Blog : John only lives once, defiantly just the once.

That’s right, another guest blog in one week! But hey, you must me getting pretty sick of Rory and Steve by now right? Of course you are not but it’s good to have something to break up the day isn’t it?

Anyway, remember John? He was our Euro 2012 psychic human. He predicted Euro 2012 for us. Well he’s back and he’s pissed off! Take it away John…

    You Only Live Once

(Unless you’ve spent your entire life in Cavan in which case you have never really lived at all)

Now I like taking risks as much as the next man. Whether it be leaving down your pint for 5 minutes in Club K, going out to Salthill to the roulette on a Friday and putting your weekly wages on Black or working in a toy shop with small fragile children after drinking my own weight in vodka hours before. Taking a few risks is what life all about.

Except, however if the risk your are taking is permanent and the reward for taking this risk isn’t that great in the first place. It’s open to debate how much fun someone can have in the 2-3 seconds after you jump off a bridge into a canyon only to hang upside down for 5 minutes while someone drags you back up again. It’s safe to say that I’m not much of an adrenaline seeker.

When I used to go to the fair on school trips I wouldn’t go on many of the rides as going in circles at 40mph on a ride that was constructed in the 19th century wasn’t all that appealing to me. “You’re a girl” and “GAY!!!” would be shouted at me from the rides as people swirled round in a mix of their own vomit to the sound of the smash hit “You spin my round (like a record)”. My favourite insult on these school adventures was “You’re such a fucking queer little bender”. Yup, teachers can be pretty mean…

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Remember chair-o-planes? They killed more Irish people than the famine.

But on to the present day and my hatred for all adrenaline filled adventure hasn’t waned. Here in Canada there are so many activities for the adrenaline junkie. Ski diving, bungee jumping, paragliding, zip lining and also going down mountains in literally anything you want: ski’s, bikes, inflatable tyres, bears, etc. Since I only ski and would rather perform open heart surgery on myself than bungee jump or ski dive, etc, the phrase YOLO has been directed at me more than once.

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For those who don’t know what it means, YOLO stands for You Only Live Once. A sentence that is so long and complicated the world had to abbreviate it. Whenever someone asks me why I won’t ski dive or bungee jump they always say “but you only live once!!” EXACTLY!!. It has to be the fucking stupidest argument for anything ever!! You only live once. ONCE!! We don’t come back. So why the hell would you want to risk the one chance you have of living by jumping out of a plane? By the logic of YOLO we should all surround ourselves in bubble wrap and never ever leave the house. YOLO is a fucking retarded argument.

Picture this scene….
Imagine for a second that there IS such a thing as heaven and hell. Imagine you tie a giant piece of rubber to your legs and jump off a bridge and for some inexplicable reason you don’t survive this perfectly normal hobby. Imagine you arrive at the pearly gates of heaven and people in front of you are explaining to St Peter how and why they died….

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One person was shot dead fighting in a war.
The next died from starvation in a 3rd world country like Clare*.
Another died at the age of 94, peacefully, surrounded by their friends and family.
And then……. YOU shuffle forward to explain why your life has been cut short

St Peter: “Hello Brother/ Sister. How did you die?”

You: “I jumped out of a plane”

St Peter: “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. You did what?”

You: “Yeah. I was bored and in need of a bit of excitement so I jumped out of a plane, but the parachute didn’t open so here I am. Sickened!”

St Peter: “Wait, so your saying you had so little to worry about and were so jaded by your easy life you jumped out of a plane and your surprised you’re here!! Fuck off to hell you tit”

As Dara O’briain once said while talking about what he was afraid people would say about him if he died from ski diving…… “He died as he lived. Strapped, to another man”



About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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