This morning I had a few minutes to kill before the shop opened so I decided to clear out some old emails. There are years worth of emails in my work account and it needed to be done sooner or later. I came across an email with the subject “Farewell my nerdy retail friends”. I hopped from my chair and began reading an email I had assumed was lost forever, I was delighted. Allow me to fill you in.
The year is 2007, or “odd seven” as we knew it. The Celtic Tiger is roaring…the Irish Economy is the envy of Europe. Banks are throwing money around like it means nothing and people are speeding 300k on shitty apartments in Galway. The Irish singles chart introduces legally downloaded purchases as sales, nobody cared…we were too busy eating our taco-stuffed lobsters (city fathers bonus points to anybody that gets that reference) on our gold paved streets to give a f**k!
Rihanna took the number 1 spot from C-Lo Green. “Crazy” and “Umbrella” went toe-to-toe for weeks as I slit my wrists in protest to the horrific noises coming from the radio. The property market in Ireland was a seemingly unstoppable juggernaut and all the while three young men were forming a tight brolationship that lasts to this very day.
Myself, Rory and the Scarlett Pumperknickle all worked in one soul destroying hellhole at that time. Also working there in and around that time were our buddies Jackie, Simone and Damien H. You people will understand this more than the rest of our disgusting public!! I still work there so I will copy and paste the email with slight changes! Obviously to protect identities and the company I will change guys names to “Joe” girls names to “Girl-Joe” and the company name to “Joes Place”.
So here we go. July 2007…Rorys last night at “Joes Place”. He sent this out to every store in the company. I give you the greatest email ever sent.
I’m just writing this e-mail to say goodbye to all of my friends in JOES PLACE. I don’t want anybody to cry, the tears,though appreciated will not help anybody in the long run. We had one crazy ride together but like all good things it must come to an end.
I think we can all look back on the good times and have a good oul laugh like the time the crazy lady called me a useless fucker or the guy who told me he’d go to A COMPETITOR and come back with his receipt and rub it in my face because they supposidly sold the Wii with 2 controllers for €269.99.
Still, I’ve made many friends in my time here, like JOE in A DIFFERENT STORE. We’re the best of pals we are, we might even be going on a Ski trip next fall. GIRL-JOE in A DIFFERENT STORE..always sending her winks my way, you could cut the sexual tension between us with a knife, GIRL-JOE heres one for you girl 😉
If this e-mail makes its way into managements hands it should serve to highlight that nobody comes into the store after 7pm and 9 O’Clock closings are about as profitable as setting up a Theme Park in Baghdad. Well farewell all my friends, if your around the Galway area on Friday night shout me a holla, drinks will be had!
Epic. I’m not sure if Rory knows this but my boss at the time took me apart because of that email. He said, and I quote, “control your staff!”. My exact reply was “Uhh, sorry about that???”
Excellence. Pure excellence.