Just a quick shout out to our boys across the Irish Sea. Yes England, it’s our sea. Those are our fish and shopping trolleys…no! Bad England!! Ours…get your own sea! I look forward to your Olympic games but would you look after our Athletes please? As usual we will win a gold medal shrouded in controversy at some obscure event. Except this time we expect our drug cheats not to be hassled…no drug test…ok? Come on, we are all friends now!
I do have a bone to pick with you though and I think I should fill the readers in. You see dear reader your boys The City Fathers were supposed to light the Olympic Torch tonight…it’s true. But, due to issues on their end, we can’t do it. Unfortunately, we had to turn down the contract because they tried to stiff us!
Get this…During the ceremony they wanted me to wear pants! Me! Pants! Nuts to you pal, I wear 3/4 length pants all the live long day and no amount of priceless royal jewels or sex with the Middleton sisters will change that. Sorry Pippa…you were so close. Maybe some other time when I haven’t been screwed over by the man.
Now, I’m sure you are shocked to your very core after learning of my poor treatment but wait until you hear what happened to Rory.
So the London 2012 organising committee offered to fly him over from Arizona and put him up in the fanciest hotel money could buy but get this…they tried to put him in Business Class! The humanity! Rory specifically requested that he would, as he put it, “drive the plane, bitch!”. But nooooooooooooo! They wanted a regular pilot so the journey would be smooth for the other peasants on the plane…what a load of bull! Rory wants to do tricks and loop-the-loops but alas he will have to wait for another time as he told that committee to, and I quote, “F**k off with their S**t”.
So your boys The City Fathers will enjoy the 30th Olympiad like the rest of you poor penniless chumps – on the couch. After all our we like sports and we don’t care who knows. We even have this playing in the lobby of The City Fathers HQ.