Steve Reviews “The Dark Knight Rises” …well, kind of.

I just got home from seeing the new batman movie and I was sitting beside a person making notes with her little pen light thing…this gave me an idea! Why not offer my own thoughts in note form? This will contain minor to catastrophically MAJOR SPOILERS so don’t read any further if that will upset you! Ok il give you a minute here…go away now before I spoil the movie on you. Here’s a picture to give you even more time.

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Ok one last chance…

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Ok, if you are reading this then you have accepted that you may read SPOILERS! It’s your fault reader as you were given plenty of warning! Ok here were my thoughts while watching the movie.

SPOILERS FROM HERE ON!!!
STOP YOURSELF HERE!!!

This Wayne fellow sure is hairy

Ok, so he’s a Bat…Man?

Oh, right. He’s a Batman and a regular man? Nice, il enjoy the duality of his existence.

Wait now! She too is not only a human but also a human animal? A Cat-woman? This is getting ridiculous now.

Haha, what? Is that the black guy from The Shawshank Redemption? What the hell is he doing building weapons for the Bat gentleman?! Maybe he found that money the white guy mentioned in that movie?

Ah now come on! Wigan FC manager Roberto Martinez is the Mayor of this city? Really?

The kid from 3rd Rock From The Sun cut his hair? Interesting. I wonder if the hot blonde girl is in this too?

Bane played by Tom Hardy and voiced by Patrick Stewart…well he sounds like him anyway. Captain Picard is the villain in a batman movie…nice!

So his car can fly? Who is this guy? James Bond?

Bring out The Joker! That guy is funny. Hehe cutting peoples faces, what a funny guy!

A “Killer Croc” reference? Bring out the killer croc!

Banes jacket is FABULOUS!

The Bat fellow should punch people in the face more often, he’s rather good at it.

Jesus! This “Batcave” must be rough on the electric bill! How does this hairy renegade afford to heat that place?

BOOBS!

No dig up, stupid!

The Bane guy is good a punching people in the face also, I certainly hope he fights the Bat guy. I would pay to see that!

Wow, the Batman is very quick. He’s like a young Michael Owen.

Haha BACKBREAKER! WWEs Triple H would be proud of that!

Oh Bruce Wayne IS the Batman? Well that makes a little more sense. I was wondering what the point of him being on screen was.

Lucius Fox! What a name! Iv heard worse porn names I guess.

No no no!!! Let them finish the football game first! Ahh now Bane…why did you blow up the pitch? That is very unfair to the paying customers.

And what about the television audience watching at home? You have ruined their evenings you awful man.

Did you even think of the TV audience? Jesus.

Does that touchdown still count? Also Heinz Field is fucked!! The NFL will not be pleased.

Oh crap! The cops!! They are all trapped!! Those mostly useless cops are now even slightly more useless…nobody cares. Blow more shit up! Oh oh oh!! Blow up the cops!

Bruce Wayne is hairy again. What a waste of two hours of my life…back to square one.

This Alfred gentleman is far too intense for a butler. Why does Wayne put up with him on his staff?

Dude, Bruce! Your butler knows that you are Batman? Are you sure that’s wise? What if you piss him off and he tells TMZ?

Batman you crazy renegade! Why did you put a burning bat symbol on the bridge! What if you burn the bridge down? Oh right…they are already blown up…carry on. Still though! Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to play with fire? Oh really? Viciously murdered in an alleyway? On front of you? No wonder you’re messed up. Seek help.

Ahh now I get it. The bomb is a bad thing! Why did Batman spend 3 years building something that can so easily be turned into a big bomb?Not…very…wise.

Why doesnt the government step in and sink this Gotham City? Nothing good ever happens there!

The interplay between Bane and Batman is fun. I smell a sitcom!

Hey, Catwoman! Stop bending over the bike! I am trying to concentrate.

Ok she shot Bane but is he dead?

Oh it’s over? Where’s Batman?! Bruce Wayne is dead but does that mean…? Ohh. Well that is upsetting.

That movie needed a lot more explosions and a lot less shite-talk! Mortal Kombat!

Wait…was that just another Alfred fantasy or is he really dead? I demand answers!!

So The Joker is NOT going to appear? Well that sucks? Why not? Get Heath Ledger on the phone? Really? An overdose? Years ago? Get Jack Nicholson then!

Screw waiting for the end of the credits, I need a whizz.

Ehh…it’s no Dark Knight!
Steve

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About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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One Response to Steve Reviews “The Dark Knight Rises” …well, kind of.

  1. dru says:

    I made a similar comment on Bane’s voice! But now though, come to think of it, he sounds like if Patrick Stewart and Sean Connery had a kid. Hahaha XD

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