Guest Blog : The Scarlet Pumpernickel seeks his fortune

So… I recently experienced the third hot towel shave of my life and as I lay there and thoroughly enjoyed myself under the gentle caress of a moustachio-ed barber man in his late forties and a microwave-heated cotton linen I (quite unbelievably) found myself in the midst of a eureka moment.
I’ll will now explain: As we are all so very much aware, the pressure the sophisticated modern woman finds herself under to “look her best”, and to conform to what society deems acceptable is enormous, and perhaps somewhat unrealistic, to the point that certain ladies are beginning to question the merits of the whole situation., and it is in many ways difficult to blame them in all honesty. A case in point recently came to light when a Galway native, we shall call her Emer (because well, that’s her name) gained notoriety after she appeared on the inexplicably popular ”This Morning” show on ITV to disclose the fact that she hasn’t used a razor to any effect on her body in an astonishing 18 months.

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Prompting somewhat effeminate presenter Eamonn Holmes to pull the same face my fourteen year old cousin pulls when he hears the word “period”

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Lady Problems?

To be honest I’m not 100% sure how I feel about the whole situation, but if pushed I’d prefer my partner to look as little like Ryan Giggs as possible when it comes to body hair!

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Now don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-shaving for either of the sexes, in fact, on a personal level I’m all for a bit of man-gardening, If nothing else purely out of necessity as a lack of it results in my Netherlands producing a startlingly accurate impression of Don King performing some bizarre kind of secondary school physics experiment.

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Only in America!

I understand that women are under terrible pressure to adhere to what is acceptably “beautiful” in modern society and to a large degree I understand the stance taken by Emer and her protest but surely there has to be a middle –ground of some kind….

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Twins Basil!

All this got me to thinking, in these times of recession slash depression how can I possibly exploit this situation to make a quick and easy buck??And suddenly it hits me!!
In these recessionary times of recession ‘n stuff I’ve come up with a new….THING!! And it’s something I believe will net me a fortune. I truly believe there is a market for this service across the general population…. Simply query any modern female with whom you are acquainted (and if you are reading this I’m sure there are many) and they will no doubt answer in the affirmative if you ask how much she hates waxing … and thusly a hot towel shave to the pertinent area would be vastly more desirable and comfortable than 4000 degree wax poured directly onto the lady-cave and would be just as effective(I would imagine).Now obviously I wouldn’t be performing the straight-razor shaves myself, I would In fact be employing a small Portuguese woman to do the nitty gritty parts of the operation at a fraction of the standard basic wage.
So picture the scene…

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Yours truly in my best Monaghan accent ….. entering the physical and emotional sauna that is the Den “Helloooooooo Dhraaaaagoons” …..
And declaring my unwavering belief in a half a million pound turnover in the first twelve months while as a side project reconstituting the “used hair”as funky wigs for the balding middle aged man market all the time endeavouring to see(just for me ,you understand) how long I can continue with such a pitch before Theo Paphitis spontaneously combusts…………..
I don’t get it? Do you get it?….

The Scarlett Pumpernickle

About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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