Cider Commercials

It’s summertime in Galway which means two things, heavier rain and ads on TV for cider. I realise our American followers will have no idea what I am talking about here so I guess they will skip over this one. Happy 4th of July folks, see you tomorrow!

Ok cider ads on TV are rampant this time of the year in Ireland and the UK. Bulmers/Magners are the chief problem here. Each commercial opens with a recognisable summer song while people walk around in a open field or a beer garden depicting how much fun they are having enjoying cider responsibly at a BBQ. While this may work for people that already drink cider it does not work for people that don’t… sounds like a nothing statement, allow me to explain.

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Linden Village or it’s equally horrific cousin Scrumpy Jack are the first thing you drink in Ireland. I would say nine out of ten people had one of these as their first official underage drink in Ireland. The reason people that don’t drink cider – don’t drink cider – is because of these drinks. Linden Village is essentially weapons grade Uranium and Scrumpy Jack tastes like aborted babies tears…bitter and wrong. I realise that they are just pushing their brand out there so their customers continue to stick with them but moreover they are trying to gain new customers…they should be more realistic.

The first time I drank was in a field in Ballina, I was 15. We had a bag filled with bottles of pissy cider. I think it was Scrumpy Jack. The guys drank cider and the girls drank Smifnoff Ice…it was the style at the time! That experience was NOTHING like the ads depict! It was madness. Luckily mine was tame in comparison to the typical first time drinking cider underage story!

Let’s just imagine if Linden Village advertised to that underage drinking market…99% of the cider market in my esteemed opinion! The typical first cider experience

The ad opens in a laneway beside an off license. Billy and Bob are approaching people to buy their alcohol for them and offering them 5 pounds for their trouble. Billy and Bob are successful in their clumsy approaches and convince a local drunk to buy their alcohol. The next scene sees our protagonists walking very quickly in densely populated areas of the street carrying their blue and white striped plastic bag full of cheap cider to the nearest field.

The boys had already arranged to meet a few of the local ladies in the field. Billy, being a spectacular wingman, tells the girls that Bob TOTALLY was served in the off license as he fancies the blonde girl in the tracksuit bottoms sitting on a rain soaked rock under a wind destroyed tree. This impresses the girl. Bob offers her one of the cigarettes he stole from his mothers handbag earlier and they strike up a conversation about how much they HATE school.

The next scene opens as the camera pans down from the black starless sky to reveal Bob and his lady friend clumsily dry humping against a tree at the back of the field. Billy has passed out against a gate and the other girl is puking into his liverpool baseball cap dramatically. The ad finishes with four sets of parents beating their children relentlessly the next morning and the entire piece is set to a ripped off version of “Blue” by Eiffel 65.

That’s how it’s done,


About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
This entry was posted in Are you serious Bro? and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Cider Commercials

  1. cd says:

    Oh ya, coz all underage drinkers who cant handle their drink are Liverpool fans….youre so biased

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