So World Cup 2010 had the now world famous predict-o-matic “Paul The Octopus” but Euro 2012 has no psychic 8 limbed wunderkind…until now. I looked at our massively popular website and I thought about you, the reader. I know times are tough for all of us and I’m fairly positive that you are thinking about dropping a few of your sweet sweet dollahs on a bet for Euro 2012 yes? Well, dear reader, The City Fathers are here to help.
The City Fathers are fairly confident in their football knowledge but we could never claim to be psychic octopusessessssesss. We needed a man so great that he was forced to leave the country. A man so accurate he makes Messi look like an inside out Djemba Djemba. A man so powerful that he actually changed the letter S to a 5. Please welcome our good friend John.
When Steve of the City Fathers first approached me about becoming an octopus I was sceptical to say the least. Sure, I had always wanted to be an octopus but predict football matches? That was a job for overpaid Match of the day pundits, gamblers and David Villa. Steve, however, was convinced that I had what it took to become the Official Euro 2012 prediction…… thing. At first, I thought that since my return to Vancouver, I simply didn’t have time due to my hectic daily schedule….
…. but I quickly realised that I could no longer hide who I truly I was…. “I AM JOHN and I periodically predict the result of football tournaments”
As I began I realised that the only way to accurately predict the winner of Euro 2012 was to create a complex algorithm based on every result in European football over the last 20 years. I eventually arrived a formula that included vital statistics such as all 368 players, their coaches, referees, home advantage, racist fans, Italian match fixing, Andy Caroll, Eamonn Dunphy and Paul Mc Shane. I arrived at a number. 27. What did it mean? Turned out it was the combined IQ of Uefa. Realising that I had no idea what I was doing I decided to pick names out of a mug.
The results of Group A were a little shocking.
I predict that the host’s Poland will top Group A and that the Czech Republic, who despite being hammered 4-1 by Russia and having 57 year old Milan Baros up front will also qualify out of Group A.
The surprises kept on coming as we went onto the group of death, Group B. First out of the plastic cup were Denmark!! Yes! Denmark. Despite having arguably the greatest challenge of any team in the Euros which is having Nicklas Bendtner up front, they will manage to top Group B to be joined by Holland. Astonishingly, Germany will crash out at the group stages and less so, a team containing Nani will also bow out.
In Group C, proving that fixing matches shouldn’t always get the bad press it receives, Italy top the group to be followed by Ireland. Spain will go out! A Keith Andrews hat-trick inspiring Ireland to a shock 7-4 win over the current World Champions.
In the final group, with home advantage, the Ukraine top the group with England scraping through into the quarter finals despite having the handicap of 4…
…Steve Correction…six, SIX Liverpool players…the most represented club in european football. Gerrard, Kelly, Johnson, Henderson, Downing and who could forget Andy Carroll. What a world we live in…poor England.
…Liverpool players in their squad. Quite an achievement.
Moving onto the Quarter finals:
Poland v Holland
Italy v England
Denmark v Czech Republic
Ukraine v Ireland
Poland brushed aside the Dutch in the first quarter final to advance where they will meet the Czech’s!! If I hadn’t witnessed it with my own eyes I may have thought that this tournament will prove to be quite shocking but I know the power of that I was entrusted with. Italy will send the English packing with the attempted rape of Ashley Cole by John Terry proving to be a slight disruption in the English camp. In the final quarter final, brave Ireland will bow out to the Ukraine but will have won the heart of the neutrals with their expansive passing game and dynamic attacking play making Barcelona look like Aston Villa.
And so onto the semi finals where no one is in the slightest bit suspicious that the 2 host nations, Italy and Milan Baros have made it this far.
Poland (the new favourites for the tournament after Ireland’s exit) destroy the Czech’s to reach the final of Euro 2012. There will be amazing scenes in Poland as the Poles celebrate but also in Ireland where………. everyone hates Milan Baros. In the other Semi final, Italy beat the Ukraine 4-3. Astonishingly Italy will be awarded 9 penalties and the Ukraine will finish the game with 7 men and Andriy Shevchenko in goals. The Ukraine will also denied 3 goals that the referee’s assistants ruled hadn’t crossed the line.
And so onto the final where Italian captain Mario Balotelli will be the hero scoring the golden goal that sealed Italy’s return to greatness. The goal itself will be slightly odd as the ball will appear to hit the corner flag but the ref will judge that it will in fact have gone in the net. Balotelli, will then proceed to shoot 19 fans as he celebrates.
As Italy are crowned European champions, Balotelli and Silvio Berlusconi will lift the trophy surrounded by 100 hookers, several suitcases of money and a years supply of cocaine.
And there we have it folks. Italy will win the Euro’s. Ireland will reach the quarters and John Terry will be John Terry (the rascal). However if right now your thinking to yourself “Who the hell is John and why should I listen to him?”. Well then, here is David Villa and he has got an opinion or two of his own… check this out
So that’s John…he knows his stuff. Check that link, trust me it’s funny!