The Mayo Earthquake : An urgent appeal.

Hi, my name is Steven from and this is an appeal for the devastated people of Mayo.

This morning, the 6th of June in the year of our lord 2012 at around 9am local time, there was an earthquake in Mayo. Measuring 4.0 on the Richter Scale, it was the first earthquake in the history of the county and people are very startled.

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The scene on the ground in Mayo this morning. This was nothing to do with the quake as the roads are always this way. Still though.

Locals described the earthquake as the feeling when a large truck would drive past your door…loud and startling. The odd cup or plate was said to have “shook” in many a kitchen in Mayo during the four and a half second ordeal. The women of Mayo are suffering horribly today. They “got an awful shock” and have spent the day calling relatives and friends making sure everybody is safe and also swapping stories of the experience. It is a terrible situation here on the ground. Even more distressing are the storys in each home across the county. This is John and Marys story…

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John and Mary pictured in better days.

John and Mary McDougal O Toole are well respected people within the local community. John is a local dairy farmer and spends his days on the farm while Mary tends to the house. The two have enjoyed 40 years of blissful marriage together and never in those years has their relationship stumbled…until today.

Mary, has spent all day on the phone speaking to her friends about the earthquake and has not cooked anything for John since breakfast at 8am, a full hour before the earthquake struck the ground beneath them. She has the local 24hr news channel on in the living room as we speak. “Mayo News 24/7” usually deal in light and fluffy topics like sheep shearing techniques and the county final but not today…not today. Mary has not had a chance to cook anything and brave John McDougal O Toole has not eaten a thing since 8am this morning, that was SIX hours ago. The noises coming from his stomach are bonechilling and his harrowing and flailing attempts at boiling an egg or making toast have left him balled up in the corner of the kitchen weeping desperately.

John opened up to our crew. “Sher it was only an aul shake for jaysus sake, I’m starvin’ here and she won’t get off that shaggin’ phone!” His manly tears have affected even the crew here. Johns four sons, all named PJ, are too hungry to run around in the back garden and have taken to playing the Xbox to stave off the hunger…it is horrific. Johns oldest son, PJ, is winning but is far too hungry to perform his patented victory dance and we predict he will simply yawn and lean further into his chair at the end of the game. Things should not be this way in 2012.

President of Mayo, Connor Mortimor, had this to say. “Jesus it’s brutal out there, fuckin’ hell”. The mother won’t get off the phone and I’m shhhtarvin’ hey! . The anguish in his face mirrors the feelings of his male subjects across his county.

This story revolves around one household but the same can be said of any household in Mayo this afternoon, it is a full blown epidemic. Walking around the sleepy Mayo village of “Willy Joe PaddenTown” today really is a heart wrenching experience. Men are hanging out of their windows checking to see if the neighbours wife has any food on…they don’t. Each phonecall a woman makes leads to two or three more and it is spreading across the county rapidly. The locals refer to me as “Fancy Dan” but I have earned their trust and I have had many conversations with them, it breaks my heart to see a people suffer so much. Each phone call leads to two more phone calls and so on. It is only a matter of time before it spreads to Galway, Roscommon etc. But you can stop this!

Please look into your hearts and send one woman, just one woman from your house to Mayo for the afternoon. She doesn’t even need to be that skilled in the kitchen, if she can boil an egg or make a few sandwiches that’ll hold the men here until tea time. Just one woman will help feed these people for the day. Please, act now, they don’t have much more time.


About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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One Response to The Mayo Earthquake : An urgent appeal.

  1. Pingback: So it’s come to this… A City Fathers Clipshow | The City Fathers

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