Jedward, at one point, the biggest act in the world. Beloved by children across the land, respected by Simon Cowell and with a bank balance that would make Mr.Burns blush…Jedward had it all. Back to back Eurovision Song Contest appearances in 2011 and 2012 saw the boys shoot to stardom across the globe. People just could not get enough of their jumping around and lip syncing. Jedward merchandise sold like cakes at fatcamp and this run away freight train seemed like it could be stopped.
2013 was another amazing year for the boys. John grew his first pubic hair and this was used as the inspiration for their next album. “Jedward : Hair in new places” was a huge hit across the globe despite critics labeling it a “steaming bowl of f**k”. It made the boys €100 million in the space of 3 days. The boys did the sensible thing and bought a 57 room mansion and spent the rest on jelly beans. Financial planning was never to be Jedwards strong point but when they could practically print their own money it surely would never be a issue, or would it?
John and Edward, now filthy rich in jelly beans, hit a creative stumbling block in 2014. Their sprawling mansion became too much for the boys and it affected the music. The 57 rooms seemed like a good idea at the time but considering the way they were at the time one room would have been enough as they still shared bunk beds. They were inseparable throughout their entire lives and this continued into their early twenties. Space in their box room became limited as they collected award after award. The boys would regularly fight over jelly bean quantities for breakfast and hair products. The group, as they knew it, was falling apart. 2014 saw the release of the now infamous Jedward album U R soooooooo annoying, gawwh. It was an ambitious effort which saw the boys airing their dirty laundry in public…it was a complete flop. Critics everywhere laughed and giggled at the flailing institution that was Jedward and the boys relationship, musically and personally, was in tatters. But the worst was yet to come.
In 2017…Jedward were no more. John and Edward went their separate ways to pursue different projects. At aged 26, John became interested in women. Edward still was far more into his stamp collection for icky girls. This was a massive separation in their lives. John would often go out to local bars, sip on his 7up and hit on girls while Edward would stay home eating Ice cream. They rarely spoke any more and barely exchanged glances at family get togethers.
John eventually met a lady, Edwina, and they fell deeply in love. Edward became fed up of Johns having-sex-with-girls ways and decided to move out of the Jansion (that’s what they called their mansion) and find his own place. Money was tight for the boys but Edward got 50% of the accrued jelly beans and made his way to town to find his new life.
John was over the moon with his new girlfriend. She too was easily excited, full of energy and could pull off a sick cartwheel. She had spiky hair and loved bubbly pop music. She had a great voice and John saw a chance to make his millions back with Edwina as his new singing partner. She was just as talented as Edward ever was but crucially she had breasts and a vagina, something that John was now very interested in. This was a win-win situation for John and they began recording songs.
“Jedwina” recorded one short lived and ill-advised song. 2019s Making love with you is fun to do had a decent level of radio play but never broke into the top 40…mainly because it was awful. John quickly realised this and pulled the plug on the group and Jedwina. He was miserable after the break up and regularly drew pictures of them holding hands skipping through a meadow of jelly beans, he was too upset to care that he failed to colour in between the lines with his crayons. He gained weight and spent his nights in a darkened room listening to those old Jedward albums, crying into a pint glass then drinking it. He missed his brother but was too proud to admit it.
Edward was no better. To fund his new apartment in town Edward took to selling his jelly beans. He would sit outside national schools offering sweet deals to them by luring children into his van to eat the jelly beans in his company. “Half price in the van” was a popular deal. Parents of the children became very concerned but it was all above board, he just missed the company of others to share his jelly beans. The charges never stuck. His weight was becoming an issue and he too missed his brother but was too proud to admit it.
In early 2022 John and Edward were at a family event, they had not seen each other in four years. While Edward was on the bouncy castle attempting to cartwheel John was doing the same. They crashed into each other and the family, as a whole, gasped. They gathered themselves up and stared into each others eyes. It had been years since John and Edward had felt each others touch and it conjured up old memories. From Johns left eye dangled a single tear as Edwards lip quivered longingly. They rushed at each other and shared a brotherly embrace crying deeply into each others shoulders. Jedward were back. No words were spoken as the boys had worked out their differences by simply high fiving. Pictured below are John and Edward last week in the studio recording their entry for the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest 2022, the signs are positive.
I for one wish these guys well and I cannot wait to hear what they come up with. Roll on Eurovision 2022!
That’s how it’s done,