So I was at work today and TodayFM was on the radio, nothing out of the ordinary. The station had a competition today called “Work Wherever Wednesday” to promote the new Microsoft office 365 thingamajig. If you won you earned yourself 1000 sweet sweet euros! I thought to myself “Wow, work wherever, all day?! Holy smokes! Lets do this thang!”
It seems the idea was to tweet or email a picture of yourself “working wherever”. One of the winners was a lady that brought office equipment into a toilet cubicle and worked in there…how very boring and unimaginative! I took this at face value and knocked on the managers door.
Steve – Hi, it’s work wherever Wednesday so I’m heading off, cool?
Boss – What, are you serious?
Steve – I’m serious bro! I’m off to live the dream, talk to you later.
Boss – But you…
Steve – Ok see you later.
So I rocked out the door and walked into town. Galway City was about to be my personal playground, Steveway City. Today was all about working wherever so it was time to live it up.
10.00 I began my day at the post office where I managed to ruin all the post and send some rather inappropriate magazines to a church in Alabama…my bad! The post office, while interesting, was negative craic and the uniforms drove me mad. The manager was a real asshole, it’s not my fault I spilled my water on the master computer! It was my first day Jeeze!
11.00 A found a little jewelry shop and popped in for a look. After all I am a salemam so this should have been pretty easy, should have been. I made a few sales based on my charm and sexual magnetism but when men started to show up it all went south. A few of them were looking for engagement rings and I found their willingness to drop 1000s on a damn ring absolutely bonkers. The manager lost the plot when he discovered I was talking men out of proposing to their partners. Just because he makes his money from the stupidity of men doesn’t mean I was wrong!! Jeeze. I made one little inquiry to the relevance of one mans sex life based on the price tag of the engagement ring and boom…I’m fired. I still don’t understand what happened.
12.00 I found one of those “Irish stuff” shops and went in to start work…it was a disaster. I laughed at every tourist that darkened the door and the boss man was not impressed. I just could not believe tourists bought that crap! The boss asked me to leave after a opened a jar of “Irish Air” and released it’s mystical bullshit powers. In fairness I went outside and filled it back up with air so what was the problem…Jeeze.
14.00 After lunch I decided that dealing with the public just defeated the purpose of work wherever wednesday so it was time for a change. I walked down to the local police station and immediately demanded to be a detective. Luckily the guy at the desk was eating a snack box and paid zero attention to me so I just sauntered in. I walked past a few of the cells to the din of wolf whistles coming from the local locked up drunkards. I took it as a complement and thanked them kindly. It was going well until I accidentally messed up a filing cabinet marked “unsolved murders”. All of the gathered evidence became mixed up with each other until each file read like a cludo game. The detective was furious (and took my Ribena away) but I don’t understand why! Those murders were unsolved anyway…what’s the problem? Jeeze!
15.00 The Fire Station Fiasco. Ever since I was a little boy growing up in North Mayo I always wanted to be a fireman. Fireman Sam was my hero and at the tender age of 26 I was to finally get my shot! I was so excited. I sat there for about 30mins and no fires happened…BORING! I told the lads that I would take the Fire Engine out to the car wash and they gave me the keys…those silly sillys! I pulled out of the station and cruised around Galway looking cool, natch. I switched the sirens on and flew up and down roads just because I could! I had the radio blaring and missed several calls from base. It seems there was a pretty serious house fire and they needed the truck back. By the time I made it back the house had burned to the ground…my bad. But the family was safe so who cares…it was just a house! Jeeze!
16.00 I decided, seeing as the fireman thing went horribly wrong, I would try my hand at being a shrink! I give amazing advice so perhaps this was the job for me. Sure, the medical board disagreed with my methods but I think I helped people. I worked on a system with 3 basic answers…
“Haha, Jesus you are not well!”
“You need to get laid”
“You need to drink more”
If none of those comments worked I would then viciously shake the person until they snapped out of their ways.
One little complaint from a woman and I was forcibly removed! I gave all three answers to one woman and she had me fired! How was I to know she was pregnant?! Jeeze!
The day was a unmitigated disaster but I had my fun and that’s all that matters. That, dear reader, is how you spend “Work Wherever Wedneday”. A woman won €1000 for taking a pic of her self on the floor of a bathroom? Come on! I wake up like that every Sunday morning and I’m not bragging…that’s a good nights sleep for crying out loud.
I just wrecked your trousers,