The Olympics. The ultimate goal for every athlete on the planet. The pinnacle of a sports persons career…but it’s all a bit boring isnt it? It needs to be bammed up a notch wouldn’t you agree?
Myself and my good friend Connor were discussing the upcoming Olympic Games and we agree that it’s great to watch and all that but it really hasn’t changed much since in it’s inception barring advances in technology. Sure, the technology has adapted each discipline somewhat but each essentially remains the same. It’s all a bit silly really.
So he gave me a few ideas on how he would change a few of the sports and I have a few of my own, here they go. Firstly I should state that the athletes will be allowed to be on whatever performance enhancing drugs they want, it is actually a requirement. As Tommy Tiernan said “If he wants to run the 100 meters in half a second…fucking let him!”
The Long Jump seems all a bit too easy…wouldn’t it be better if the athlete was not allowed a run up? The way we see it the athlete stands at the line and tries to propel himself forward, try it…not easy!
Also there should be a Short Jump. That sounds easy you say? Not the way we see it. The athlete has to perform this short jump directly after a 100m dash! Think about it, a sub-10second 100m sprint and when he reaches the line its tiny jump time… that’s funny!
Next thing is absolutely brilliant so stay with me. I honestly think the Olympics should REALLY implement this. The Three Legged Everything. A three legged pole vault sounds brilliant but its the three legged hurdles that keeps me awake laughing at night! But what about the three legged discus, Javelin, Gymnastics? My personal favourite is the ‘The Three Legged Kick Kanye West right in the balls’ event. All hilarious! Don’t even start me on the three legged swimming! Oh that’s good stuff!
I know what you are thinking…”Steve you sexy beast that just wouldn’t work and the athletes would be horribly injured”. Of course I know that, that’s the best part. The very essence of the three legged event is that you and your partner are one, wouldn’t you agree? The very best will work together and protect each other whereas the crap athletes will be hurt beyond recognition all for our entertainment! That, dear reader, is funny.
In the later stages of the Funlympic Games a lot of the Athletes will have been eliminated from their events, sad face for them. Their Olypmic dream is over and they have wasted their lives. They are down and out, stuffing their loser faces with cake and McFlurrys trying to summon up the energy to drag their loser asses to the airport to go home to their horribly disappointed friends and families. That’s not fun! That’s awful, we think the Olympics should help these losers by cheering them up with a national school style SPORTS DAY!!! What’s more fun than sports day?!
No uniform, Egg and spoon races, rice krispie buns and fizzy orange, throwing mud at the teachers, pulling girls hair and running away, jocking your friend on front of his mother and then heading to your mates house afterward to play the Sega Megadrive and Commodore 64…it has it all!
So there you have it. The Funlympics my friend…some craic. If you have any suggestions for altered events please let me know in the comments below and I will post the best ones below this entry. Come on! Join the fun, there is plenty of fun to go around! This all started from Connor talking about it so I bet others will have good ideas too…do it!