Dealing with “the lady times” : A gentlemans guide

I’m sure us manly men have all been in this situation, she’s irrational, emotional, unreasonable and an all round mess of a human being and it’s all your fault because you have a mickey.

She blames you because she thinks she looks fat and hairy. Her hair is perfect but she still spends all day with the straighteners tempting baldness on herself just because you said her hair looks nice to make her feel better. You spend the entire week running around the house with tea and chocolate trying to make it better. You have to wear protective armor in case she throws a hissy fit because nobody at work commented on her shoes. You walk into the bedroom and there she is…beating the jeans she can’t fit into anymore with her bare hands, foaming at the mouth and using language you wouldn’t hear from a docker. (10 city fathers points to whoever said “ah you would Ted, they use awful language” after that.)

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Now, I have no idea what causes these lady times. I have always worked under the assumption that it’s something to do with the boobies changing shape or something? Rory seems to think the lady times are directly related to the lady parts but I’m not sure, how can he possibly know that?

I’m sure you have put up with this nonsense enough times to be pretty sick of it yes? Remember the last time it happened? Remember how degraded you felt as a result of her insanity? Well you old hapless fool…it’s time for revenge! Follow these simple steps and she will be purring like kitten in no time…trust me I should know…iv had sex over 3 times.

Listen, you and I both know that she doesnt mean the things she says or the stuff she throws while in her condition, she will always apologise after the affliction. That’s the worst part, the whole “thats ok, it’s fine I understand” when really you want to unleash the entire expletive laden fury of satan on her. No need for your salty language here my good man, il teach you how to deal with these animals.

Ok the moment you spot her lady products lying around the house it’s time to plan tactically for the rest of the week ahead.

Step 1. Take all the fury she can give on the first day, you want that hate sir, take notes and book the next few days off work.

Step 2. The next morning.

Wake her up early with breakfast in bed, inform her of your decision to take the few days off work and tell her that you will clean the entire house, do all the washing and you will have dinner waiting for her when she gets home. This will have her bouncing out the door thinking you are thoughtful, this sets her up for a horrible fall. After she leaves for work destroy the house. I mean really destroy it. Let the bath overflow. Take all of your combined wardrobe out and throw the clothes on the bed to wrinkle. Break her hair straighteners while using them to put coal on the fire. Break the washing machine by putting her favourite shoes in with all of her other shoes. You know, things like that. Use your imagination.

Step 3. Her arrival home.

When she spots the 9/11 you have pulled on the house she will go mental. Make sure the dinner you promised is already eaten and poorly disposed of in the sink. You simply MUST be sitting on the couch in your underwear playing Xbox with sports radio on in the background when she walks in. Have your phone on the arm of the couch clearly displaying a text message conversation with your ex girlfriend. She will go absolutely nuts, no doubt, but that is exactly what you want. She was going to get pissed off about something eventually so why fight it? Have fun with it!

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Step 4. Poke the bear…further.

At this point she is a walking Hiroshima so there isn’t much more you can do in terms of fucking things up. What you need to do is keep it going. At this point she is screaming at you and pulling her hair out while you sit there continuing to play the Xbox. Next thing you need to do is get mad at her for ruining your killstreak on call of duty, complain that you can’t hear the radio with her infernal nattering, stand up, dry your armpits with her favorite top, scratch your ass and walk out of the room. She is now in murder mode but she will punch herself out. The next few minutes are crutial.

Step 5. End game.

Eventually the racket of slamming cupboards will cease, she will then realise the error of her ways. Her terrible satanic ways will become very clear as she looks around at her bombsite of a house…alone and cold, possibly crying. You good sir have broken her spirits. The next time she has her lady times she will stop and remember the absolute state the house was in the last time she pulled that crap. She will associate that scene with her unreasonable outbursts and simply smile and walk away. Result my good man, result.

Do I know women or do I know women?

You are very welcome,
Steve

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About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
This entry was posted in A Gentlemans Guide and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Dealing with “the lady times” : A gentlemans guide

  1. gemma says:

    HA HA HA HA

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