Ok I have been up to my usual comedy nonsense lately and I’m sure I made you reach climax on many occasions as a result but its time to go back to what brought me to the dance, pure vitriolic anger. Take your hand out of your pants, listen up and welcome to my world.
On Monday night I witnessed one of the worst performances by a Manchester United team in about 7 years. Yes I’m talking about the 2004-5 season. I’m not here to give off about the performance really. What I’m here to give off about is fellow Manchester United fans on twitter. Im sure it is the same on Facebook but that site does not have the same weight of opinion that twitter has. There are people on there that believe their own hype in terms of their opinions and people blindly “follow” them just to RT it and seem more important in that persons wake…pick up followers and masturbate on their iPhone because RedView follows them because they agree with the original tweet. Yes, that sentence just happened, unfortunately that’s how following “football people” on twitter goes. The frenzy of the site bugs the fuck out of me when it comes to the blind leading the sheep.
Ok, so you have these few selected people that are “untouchable” in terms of their opinions on the club just because they have lots of followers. I’m sure anybody reading this on twitter will realise that most of your followers are bots anyway, yes? Moving on. These people might have had one good tweet, one really good tweet, that went twitter-viral and people followed based on that tweet. They follow up with the odd decent tweet here and there and people (idiots, usually 12 year olds) stay with them. I’m fine with that, that’s how the social media world works. What I’m not ok with is these fuckwits attacking people that know better than them…ie me.
Now, before I jump too far up my arse I don’t claim to be a master ninja expert on football but I do think I know a hell of a lot more than most people, especially bellends on twitter. After the Manchester Derby I went on to twitter and made a few little jabs but nothing more, basically because if I put out what actually went wrong I would be hung by these idiots for complaining about Nani, Evra, smalling, Jones, De Gea and of course his holiness Fergie.
But it is time these questions are asked. Is Fergie capable of buying correctly anymore? Is smalling up to it? When can we tether Evra to the corner flag so he can’t stray too far away from his fucking job? Why had nobody shot Nani yet and of course my old friend the goalie…what is wrong with him.
Now, I have taken to twitter to complain about David De Gea on many occasions and have used this fine blog to do similar. Sure, he is a great shot stopper but that is it.
“But Steve, is shot stopping what you want from a goalkeeper?”
Yes it is, but you also need a Goalkeeper that can come to claim a cross rather than be bullied by a midget in Carlos Tevez, wrong foot himself and then fall over while a player nods the ball in from inside the keepers 6 yard box. Sure smalling let Kompany go and that is unforgivable but the ball was there for the keeper to take. It should never get that far. Other teams have spotted Captain Flappy come for crosses and fail miserably time after time so they have started to put in inswinging corners/crosses to force him into a decision which always results in that clowns pocket looking confused and falling over while the ball nestles in his net as he lays on the ground cultivating his leaving cert standard facial hair. Teams have also placed players directly on front of him to fuck with him and it works, see Carlos Tevez in the Manchester Derby. He is a fucking clown and I’m sick looking at his gimp of a head.
Nani…oh Nani, are you ok? Are you ok? Are you ok Nani. Do you believe in love at first sight? Personally I’m unsure but I’m damn sure I believe in the concept of Hate at first sight. I went through a soul destroying personal devastation in losing my girlfriend of 7 years and I struggled to function as a human being for a few months after it. It took a long time for me to recover from something as horrible as being put through that kind of heartbreak and torment night after night convincing myself that everything will be ok and it’s a new day tomorrow, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and attack the day. I eventually got there and it’s all good in steveland now. However, Nani haunts my dreams more that that experience ever did. I cannot understand why he is allowed to be a professional footballer.
For example, Luis Nani is a winger. His job primarily is to get the ball in the box to the strikers. Stripped down, laid bare, down to bolts…that’s his job. He is frustratingly terrible at it. He rarely clears the first man and costs us more possession than I’m willing to fathom. He loses the ball in open play with increasing regularity and how Ferguson still puts up with him makes my left ball jump back into my body due to the intense pain his presence on a football pitch causes me.
The word useless is thrown around so much in today’s society that it has become the truest meaning of it’s own self…useless. Now let’s reclaim this word before I use it in a minute. The word useless could be used to describe something like the Wii Fit board, Occupy Galway, Religion…ok my personal gripes aside here are some normal people things. Owning a DVD player and zero DVDs, a fireplace but no fuel, a washing machine in a nudist colony, George Clooneys opinions and gifts of socks and slippers for your limbless grandfather. All of these things are the very essence of USELESS. I have reclaimed the word. Nani is fucking useless.
Now, the stats. Yes Nani has good assist stats but that comes with the territory of playing for Manchester United and being a winger, you will get the ball a lot and you will eventually get a ball into the box to a striker if you try hard enough, a fucking two year old could EVENTUALLY get the ball into Chicarito or Rooney or Wellbeck when that two year old has 599 chances in a 90 minute period. Simples. If this clown was playing for Wolves or a team like that he would never get the chances he gets at United and I fucking guarantee you he would have to make each and every chance count or he would be out of the team, that’s a fucking fact and I won’t hear another word against it. You are wrong so fuck off and deal with it.
Let’s put this in perspective here. I’m sure I’m not the only person that has worked in retail. I happen to be in a position were I am a salesman first and till jockey second. Now put my job in the NaniVerse…. A customer walks up to me 100 times looking to buy an Xbox with cash in hand and I make one sale from 10 in those 100 encounters…I’m fired. Of those 10 sales from 100 I make I somehow manage to lose the cash while putting it into the till 9 of those 10 times. I would be fired so fast it would turn my penis into a vagina. That is the real world and Nani lives in it. How is he still employed? Those are true Nani stats…show me how many chances he’s wasted rather than converted and it would prove my point. But united fans won’t admit it for the fear of (the old NFL saying) going against the shield.
Now if I say any of those things on twitter I will get hate tweets Lionel Richie style…all night long. So basically if I had said any of those things on twitter I would have to turn off my phone because “I don’t know what I’m talking about”. Manchester United fans on twitter drink the Kool-aid of Manchester United and refuse to comment on the often ridiculed players due to their beating Red heart…there is a reason these players are ridiculed by the mass media lads. It’s because they are useless. Stop being so bloody defensive, if you really loved the club you would realise that there are a lot of players on the team that have never been up to it but you support those players even though they have let you and our club down time after time, why? It is not because the Guardian/Daily Mail has it out for us…it’s because most of our team would not make it into the spurs team let alone the Man City team. Controversial, perhaps but not really. If you really know what you are talking about you would agree with me. But you don’t and you dont. End of. Fuck you all.
Just cop on and live in the real world. It’s not an ABU thing its just a FACT thing. You would be laughing your arse off and re-hashing the old reliable jokes and making a name for yourself on twitter if some of our players played for Liverpool…see Andy Carroll.
Proud Manchester United supporter.