Earlier I found myself on my lunch break struggling to chow down on my food due to an Olympic standard hangover. Last night was the Manchester Derby and it did not go well…I’m sure you’ve seen the match so bla bla bla whatever.
I didn’t really drink much during the match because I was shaking with nerves but after the match it was sorrow drowning time. I think we went to at least 87 pubs after the match. It quickly turned into a piss up that would rival Charlie Sheen on an idle Wednesday. Today I am feeling the affects of my oldness…I can’t drink on a school night any more.
I was way worse this morning, I felt like a boiled arse. I quickly realised that I had to do something about it and I feel much better now so I think I should pass on my wisdom to you fine people. Now this is no quick fix type thing. Anybody can cure one little hangover, I am here to help you avoid hangovers for the rest of eternity. I’m sound like that.
Firstly, you can’t just sit in a corner and die. You need to get up and work yourself into a frenzy, sweat it out of you as they say. Work at an extreme pace until you start to get chest pains and then you are ready for step 2.
It is a little known fact that a hangover is actually a lack of lucozade in the blood. Get yourself a 2 litre bottle of lucozade as soon as possible and pick up a tube of salt and vinegar pringles…these are key. Stuff your mouth with as many pringles as you can possibly fit and then down that glucose wonderment in one. The combination of those products and your chest pains from earlier should soon have you worried about your heart and not your hangover. Then it’s time for the third and final step.
Bitch and moan to whoever will listen. Spread it thin. You want everybody to be so sick of you that they will never want to speak to you again…let alone go out for pints with you and BINGO you will never be hungover again.
Now you and your badly damaged heart can spend your days sitting indoors playing video games and cursing your enemies safe in the knowledge that nobody will ever give a shit . Then you, dear reader, will never have to go to work feeling like you have been beaten up underwater.
You are very welcome,