I had started writing about something else here at first but I took a mid blog break to gather up clothes for a wash and also have an enjoyable gentlemans shave, standard sunday evening fare in SteveTown.
Over the last few days I have noticed some strange things happening around my house. There was a weird spill stain on the carpet on front of my TV on Saturday morning and I know for a fact I didn’t spill anything, how did it get there? There used to be a leaking problem around that area so I checked that too…everything was fine. What the hell happened. On Saturday evening I went upstairs to grab a hoodie to warm my beautiful body but when I made it back downstairs there was a noise that came from the room. I walked back upstairs to discover that a stack of DVDs had fallen to the floor…how did that happen? I was nowhere near those DVDs so how did they fall?!
I was willing to accept that those few things were nothing more than the universe fucking with my life as usual but that was until I went upstairs to shave there a little while ago. I removed my t-shirt (ohh yeah, the ladies have that image in their heads now) and lathered up my beautiful face with the finest off-brand shaving foam the €2 shop has to offer. I began shaving. Moments later there was (what seemed at the time) a huge crash! I nearly lost my life as it was all calm in there. The calming sound of running water was only drowned out by the incessant yammering of my alter egos swirling around my head. They all say hello by the way, even my new one… El Stevo…he’s a Spanish bullfighter with drug problems.
Anyway back to story. So the noise really freaked me out. There was a bottle of shower gel on the ground behind me…WTF?! If it just fell how did make it out of the shower? It has become very clear that I have a ghost in the house, seriously.
This bottle had to have been thrown because it falling and making over the little mini wall at the bottom of the shower would defy physics. I have come to the only logical conclusion that there is a ghost living in my house trying to kill me with toiletries. It’s the only thing that makes sense!
But why? What have I done to deserve this? Is my constant bashing of religion causing Jesus and the lads to send people in Limbo down to mess with me? I guess not, I mean that’s just as believable as Jesus himself…in that it’s crazy to even think that. Haha, resurrection…right, suuuuuure he did! Tut tut people, I mean really. It is just as likely that a bowl of cocktail sausages is “up there”.
Religious folk, I’m just kidding. It’s all good I’m just having some fun, are we still friends? Cool, bring it in let’s hug it out.
So what do I do about this ghost lad? It’s not like I can talk to him and explain that what he is doing is classic passive aggressive behavior. So my only option is to write a letter for him to read on thecityfathers.com, I’d say he’s a massive fan. So here goes.
Hi, my name is Steven and I live here. I’m 26 years old and I like to party. I hope you got that joke because If you haven’t seen HotRod then you won’t get it and I will have failed in my efforts to open with a joke.
Listen, Iv just discovered your presence in my house and I’m a little concerned. No, I’m not afraid of you or anything like that. I’m concerned that you didn’t even introduce yourself before you moved in, that’s really rude bro! I have no problem with you living here at all but you could have at least asked? There is a spare room and I live alone so I wouldn’t mind the company of a new friend especially since Rory left for America and has newer, younger, sexier tanned friends. Ohh can you get one if your ghost mates to go haunt him?! He is scared by jelly beans so go throw some at him? He lives under a bridge in Scottsdale Arizona, he’s the burned Irish one.
Let’s get down to the point here. You can stay here as long as you want but you cannot knock stuff over to scare me anymore. Its getting really annoying cleaning up after you. And throwing the shower gel at me? What was that about?! I could have been mildly injured…use your head man! I’m afraid of Nazis atop Dinosaurs not ghosts.
Perhaps this extreme physical and psychological warfare is acceptable where you come from but you won’t get away with that here. If you want to live in my house you live by my rules! Introduce yourself with a handshake and a gentlemanly “How do you do?”. Perhaps it is you that is scared. Perhaps you struggle with breaking the ice and find it difficult to verbalise your feelings in a world you don’t understand? So I’m here to help.
Hi Im Steven. Who are you? Why are you here? Is there anything you need me to do to help you pass over to the other side? Come into the living room and introduce yourself, who knows…perhaps we could be great friends? Please…I’m desperately lonely and a savage wingman. Do you like the ladies? I can make it happen dude. A ghost and a woman, it will be fun and exciting like that movie Police Academy. You get simpsons references right?
Okay, il leave it there. Get back to me Ghost pal, I love you, kisses.
Steve J. Murphy Esq.
So, I think I have broken the ice quite well don’t you agree? I will let you know when he talks to me. Right I’m off to buy biscuits.