Since I moved to America I’ve been getting a lot of adverts thrown in my face for losing weight and I’m not one to pass up the chance to make some money off people who are clinging on to any means of help they can find, that is why I am writing this blog to gauge the reaction in anticipation of releasing a full self help book titled: “Obese a Cake: Your guide to stop living life as a fat mess” So here’s a 5 step teaser.
Step 1.) Go Cold Turkey
To help with weight loss one must meet things head on. Often times fat people feel self conscious about going to gyms. Running on a treadmill in a crowded gym can be a chore and you sometimes feel like there’s little reward. That’s why in my weight loss plan I suggest you go ‘cold Turkey’. To go cold Turkey you will first need a Turkey, a back yard or a field and one meat cleaver. You will not eat again until you catch, kill and cook the Turkey. Cooking a Turkey in itself is a difficult task. You can sweat off the pounds while striking terror into the poor helpless bird which will inevitably be quicker than your fat ass and possibly have the brains to out smart you.
2.) Mental Tricks
It’s scientific fact that negative association helps people avoid certain things, so why not apply this to food. Next time you got for a big dirty snackbox, grab a couple of clothes pegs and put them on your genitals. Leave them on until you finish eating the snackbox and then go find a doctor or an Emergency room. From that day on you will associate that horrible pain and the indentations on your genitals with a snackbox.
3.) Drink More
Many people will try to convince you that drinking will actually make you put on weight. Bullshit! The more you drink the easier you will find it to vomit. It’s another scientific fact that vomiting will help you lose weight. So just make sure you drink to excess and vomit lots.
4.) Sleep More
When you sleep you aren’t walking around or excercising. This is true, but you also aren’t eating you fat, gross piece of shit. Therefor stay in bed all day if you’d like. Excelsior!
5.) Class A Drugs
Last but not least. Heroin and Crystal Meth will help you shed those extra pounds ahead of your long anticipated summer holiday. Don’t stay fat a moment longer. Go find your local drug dealer and live the dream