When you are in English class in school you will from time to time be asked to write essays. The teacher always tells you one thing “Just write what you know”. Now there are plenty of things I would feel quite confident writing about with some level of know-how but today il go for this one…how to deal with a break up!
Ok so you’ve been dumped, sad face for you but what are you going to do about it?
We previously had a section on here entitled “Ask The City Fathers”. The idea was that you, our disgusting public, would have your boys Rory and Steve to turn to for advice…awful awful self destructive advice. Shockingly we had no takers, I know right?! So rather than relaunching it I’m just going to give you my advice, you’ll take and call me sir!
A friend of mine made a relationship whoopsie daisy over the weekend (nothing terribly bad it was just a culmination of a lot of stuff) and he’s been dumped. I just heard about it today and when Im asked for advice this is what I’m going to tell him.
Annoy everybody within earshot.
Think about it, people feel bad for you so they will be willing to let a lot of stuff slide. Use this grace period to call all of your mates out on all the times they pissed you off over the years, maybe punch a few of them…they won’t retaliate. You know that friend of yours that “doesn’t smoke” but always asks you for cigarettes? Knock that cheap ass out. He will thank you for it and congratulate you on your mad boxing skills.
Dont listen to clichéd advice.
The worst thing about dealing with a break up is the dumbass stuff people say to you. “There’s plenty other fish in the sea” etc. Those type of phrases need to be banned and the perpetrator catapulted into the raging fires of the sun. Don’t seek comfort in the arms of friends or family, spend a month by yourself being awesome and cursing your enemies.
Drink, a lot.
People will tell you that the last thing you need is a drink…total horseshit. The first 15 things you need is a drink. Now I don’t recommend drinking alone so why not get a pizza to add to your party, nobody likes drinking alone so food is a must…people are over rated.
The best piece of advice I can give you is this. Go on the piss for about 3 weeks, non stop. They say alcohol is a depressant and you should try excersise and other useless shit to occupy your mind…useless advice. Do you really want to go running around a football pitch in your condition. Drink in a darkened room until you can’t feel feelings anymore my man, it’s the healthiest thing for you.
Move on…top of somebody else
This is the healthiest thing you can do right now. Go to a pub and find an easy target, the Fuglys are now your friend. Get some girl pregnant straight away, nothing says “Iv moved on bitch, check it out” like a pregnant slapper. Your ex will be beside herself with rage which is actually just jealously so don’t be fooled, you are winning this break up. Once the kid is born send her pictures in the post week after week of the baby with crude comments scribbled drunkenly on the back. I personally recommend “Haha you will never have one of these, whore!” It’s as simple as that.
No not porn you sick people, that would be weird. No, what you should do is set up a second Facebook profile for yourself and mark on the site that you are in a relationship with yourself. That will drive her nuts as after seeing your fugly baby she will be longing for you. She will lose her mind knowing that she can never have you back as you are too busy being awesome and loving yourself. Post pictures of yourself holding your own hand walking through a clear summers meadow or a zoo, you know, something romantic like that. Bitches love that shit.
The rest of your life.
Forget about her, you have broken her spirit and now she feels like the dumped one, well played sir. Enjoy the rest of your life safe in the knowledge that she will never forget what a complete hero you are. Oh and sleep with her anytime you guys see each other, that goes without saying, what’s the worst that could happen?
In summary, drunkenly abuse your friends at every given opportunity while psychologically deconstructing your ex drawing inspiration from the advent of the pregnant slapper. So there you have it. That is the best way to deal with a personal devastation. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger.
I have spoken,