Pointless Football Interviews

While watching sky sports news last night I was talking to a friend. We both agreed Paul Galvin is an awful man for so many reasons but it reminded me of him being interviewed on the pitch in Croke Park after winning an another All-Ireland. You would expect a guy to be delighted but he still threw out the usual sportsman lines of nothingness to the reporter.

Sky was on in the background and they were playing interviews with filthy rich players after matches and all that stuff. It’s a real annoyance of mine listening to them as they are terrified to say anything other than the usual shite about the gaffer and the lads and kicking on from here etc.

I would like to think that if I was a professional footballer I would at least attempt to be a normal human being while answering questions. Then again who knows what kind of affect the money would have on me. So it got me to thinking and I got Rory to send me a few questions…enjoy. We begin in the tunnel after a poor result for my team.

RORY INTERVIEWS STEVE

So, without mincing my words Steven, What happened in the second half there? Things seemed to be going so well in the first half and then it just went tits up like a granny in space. What’s with that like!?
Well Rory thats football. Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose 7-3. We just have to pick ourselves up and kick on from here. All credit to the lads because we kept working and never let our heads drop but it wasn’t our day today. There’s 3 points on offer mid-week so that’s our target. The boys at the back looked a bit stiff so we gave them something to loosen them up and obviously that caused 3 substitutions and a walk off leaving us with no recognised defenders and 10 men but the score line flattered Barcelona. We will dust ourselves off and get back on the training pitch and work on it…that and sell the keeper…he cost us the game.

Wow I see, Why on earth did you think giving your defenders muscle relaxers at half time would help with their performance?
Well obviously Heano and Monners had Lionel Messi running at them all day long and there were constipation issues as a result. The gaffer thought it would help them out, I’m still not sure it was the best idea but the gaffer has been here at this stage of the season so many times so you do what he says. Obviously the jaxx are a mess in there but credit to the lads they paid a young fella to clean it. I would have just faked an injury but credit to myself I carried on.

Well I guess being a footballer doesn’t require brains huh? Speaking of which, can I ask why you started to celebrate when the opposition scored their forth goal?
Il have you know I finished my Junior Cert before coming to England. I don’t need your fancy college book learnings when I make 250 grand a week and luckily my agent gave me the “super awesome deal” where he only gets 87% of my earnings…not many people can say that. In fact he says he’s never had a better deal. Oh the celebration? Well obviously I saw all the lads running around pointing at their hands for the forth Barcelona goal and I though it was disallowed and the lads started a dance off with Xavi and the boys. I love nothing more than a dance off. But obviously I also had 50 grand on a 4-3 loss for us but full credit to Barcelona they kept at it until the keeper cried off to a certain extent. Spanish cunts.

My God! You do know this interview is live, right? You either have balls the size of grapefrutis or a brain the size of a marble. I might as well as ask, how you now plan to spend all your free time during the inevitable suspension for your words in this interview?
Well credit to live television but iv talked my way out of worse situations. Obviously you boys in the media have “tricked me” again and I expect similar coverage to my incident there last season but il get away with it because all credit to myself I’m filthy rich. I might even repeat that incident tonight and have a BBQ while I’m at it.

I get the appeal of spraying the whip cream on the fat womans asshole but what on earth do you plan on doing with a George Foreman Grill?
Well obviously Il be upstairs with 2003s Miss Lower Salthill while I have the youth team downstairs cooking sausages while she’s cooking my sausage if you know what I mean? I’m on about sex.

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Sounds like a party at Mario Baloetellis house. Speaking of which, you now lie 8 points off the lead. How do you and your team mates plan to get things back on track?
Well I predict il be giving very little credit to the lads for the rest of the season. I can’t see us getting back into it. I am the only good player at this club and I can’t keep doing it in my own. Id say that’s the league gone tonight. All credit obviously.

Do you not think the manager, owners of the club and the fans will be furious with such a cavalier and defeatous response?
Well obviously they won’t be happy with it but Iv played them like a fiddle this season. I scored 5 goals in 5 games at the start of the season and planted storys on twitter that Manchester City were in for me. If they don’t like the monster they have created they shouldn’t have bought the story’s and bumped my wages up to 250 grand a week. All credit to Wayne Rooney for the idea. (#Controversy) Now obviously I’m only human so with great cash comes great irresponsibility so I did get a little on the drunken lardass side for a stage there but obviously I wasn’t pleased with the fans chanting “Fatty Fatty Fat Fat” at me. All credit to myself I was only shagging 70% of their wives so I felt it was a bit harsh…fuck them.

I guess you’re right, Fuck the fans and as for the Club they can suck your human balls, how very concise. Is there anything more you’d like to say to all of the fans that are watching this right now?
Tell the missus I said “Position 48” she will know what it means.

As always, thanks for your time
Cheers Rory, well done kid. Can I rob a fag off ya? I’m fucking dying for a smoke.

WE just wrecked your trousers,
Steve

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About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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