Steve Interviews…Steve

In another installment of my interview series I decide to interview a really great man. He hates everything except for himself and he ain’t too bad on the eyes either. I will be interviewing myself.

Steve – Hi Steve, thanks for meeting me today.
Steve – No problem, thanks for having me, hehe “having me”!

So Iv been reading the blog and it truly is spectacular. How do you come up with all of this stuff?
How handsome of you to say. Basically I am an idiot with too much time on his hands in the evening. I spend way too many hours living in my head and I use the site to get the crazy out.

I see. So do you ever worry about your mental health at all? Some of this stuff is rediculous.
Well you are interviewing yourself my friend, who’s crazy now?

Fair point. Enough about the website. Who is Steve really? Who does he look up to?
Well my heroes include George Best, Ryan Giggs and Pop from the Rice Krispies Gang

Pop?
Yes, he is so damn impressive. He is ok being the last one mentioned in the title and he’s ok with that safe in the knowledge that he’s the one people remember. He is a hero.

Moving on. What are your hobbies and interests?
Well I love football and spend most of my time watching that. There’s something so special about spending all day watching football and then watching match of the day to watch them all over again.

Right, sounds boring but look at you…you’re beautiful so you can do whatever you want!
Thanks bro, you’re a good friend.

After reading the hangover blog I was wondering how your overall health is? It’s hard to believe a guy had a hangover for 24 hours.
Well that’s what happens when you can’t drink for a week, you go a bit mad when you’re back to a decent level of health. To be honest my body is slowly shutting down, years of treating it like crap is catching up with me and I am in constant misery but who wants to live to see 30 anyway?

That’s a disgraceful attitude to have. What about all the people that look up to you?
I’m not that tall, average height really.

Hahaha you sexy bastard! That was hilarious.
I live to give!

I see you are an art lover, what is this piece.
Ah yes, I love this piece. It’s called “3am Supermacs” and depicts the desperation of people at that hour.

But it is an crayon drawing of two dogs fighting over a chicken nugget?
Indeed, the artist really captures it.

Fair enough. So what about you? Don’t you ever get lonely in your sprawling mansion?
How could you be lonely in this place? Have you not seen the pool, game room, library, stables and hedge maze? That’s not even mentioning the tayto mountain out the back.

Yes thats all well and good but what about the ladies? Don’t you want somebody to settle down with?
Who needs a girl to move in when I have Pam and her 5 sisters to entertain me?

Oh lord I don’t want to hear about your ‘alone times’!
Oh no no no! You think I was on about the low five?! That stuff is for losers. Pam is a girl I know and she has 5 sisters each more beautiful than the last….I’m slowly making my way through the family…sexually that is.

Nice! You sir have it all, what keeps you motivated?
Motivated? Steve you handsome fool! I do nothing all day in my mansion. The fact that I got out of bed still shocks me but it’s not every day you are offered an interview by your alter ego.

Does that make you feel depressed?
In the words of Barney Stinson “when I’m feeling down I stop and be awesome instead…true story”. Well that and checking my ever increasing bank balance.

That’s right, you are the worlds richest man that wears penny’s jocks. How did you make your money?
It’s a boring story really. You know those little springs on the bottom of skirting boards beside doors? I invented those and made them shockingly expensive. It insures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant.

You sexy genius! So do you plan on inventing anything else or do you plan on sitting on your ass for the rest of your days?
What do you think? I never have to work again. With my good looks and wealth I can pretty much dictate the course my life takes…I call it “The Rob Lowe Theory”.

Some might say that is a pretty hollow existence. Don’t you want to see the world?
Nuts to that! I have everything I need out the back. Take a look…

Holy Shit! Is that…? No way?!
Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. That is Old Trafford. I had it shipped here last week.

Class! You must be making a fortune from ticket sales?
Oh lord no! I don’t let anybody in! It’s just me.

Thats a bit pathetic don’t you think?
It is purely to wreck Nanis head. When Fergie sells him il let everybody back in.

Explain?
Essentially Im the only voice in the stadium and any time Nani gets the ball I shower him in abuse. “Naaaaaaaaaannnnniii, Naaaaaaaaaaannniii” I’d say while intermittently calling him useless and criticizing his overall demeanor. “Good cross there Nani, well done on failing to clear the first man for the 5000th time today” That made him cry and his tears amused me.

You are a sick twisted individual even if you are the greatest human being to ever walk the earth.
That’s not really a question dude, more of a statement. Journalism school wasn’t really for you was it? Does that make you feel like crap? Now that’s a question!

Ohh you!
Same problem.

Ohh you???
There you go! You’ll have that cushy number in TV3 yet!

20120401-024156 p.m..jpg

Thanks mate, you’ve always believed in me.
Whats an alter ego for? Life is all about confidence, if you believe they will believe. True story.

Ok I think we have enough to go on. Thanks so much for meeting me today Steve and all the best for the future.
No problem, it’s been my confusingly erotic pleasure to meet a man such as yourself today. Well played son.

Fancy going on the beer?
Yaaaaaaayyyy!

You’re welcome,
Steve.

(Note to self) You are demented. If you don’t find something better to do with your life you’ll end up being 63 and throwing your cats at local school children passing your dilapidated home beside the train tracks. Just a thought.

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About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
This entry was posted in Interviews and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Steve Interviews…Steve

  1. Damien Heavin says:

    gold

  2. Ciara says:

    In actual shock here. Every single day I worry.

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