So the second in our series of Guest Posts comes from our good friend Oisin. Even though he likes rugby we keep him around because he attracts women with his personality which is less abrasive than ours. A solid wingman and all round stand up individual is Oisin. Enjoy his ramblings.
Oisin Vs The Human Body
To give you all a rest from the usual tone of this blog (angry white dudes), today I’m going to give you a chance to get on board with something we all know – the pointless and frustrating battle that is living inside a badly designed heap of crap. That’s right folks, The City Father vs the human body, game on! This clumsy, bulky, unshapely mass of bone, gristle and skin seems to be the best thing that evolution or natural design or whatever could come up with. ‘C-‘ I’d say. Needs to try harder. Applies themselves well in class but is probably more likely to find a career in bathwater quality control than a job that requires thinking, standing or moving.
We don’t have to look far for examples, our flimsy nature being one of the most obvious. On a planet full of natural predators, we’ve learned to rely on our superior intellect to save us. I’d like to see intellect help you outrun a cheetah in the desert, or beat a Silverback Gorilla at arm wrestling. Those guys fight dirty man! If we are truly the rulers of this planet we should be super fast, super strong and always smell slightly of vanilla. Fuck you, vanilla is unbelievably hardcore!
Another thing that BAFFLES me, is that our body appears to manage to insert little pointy crystals into the corner of our eyes while we sleep. You all know the feeling. Wake up, feeling fresh and ready to take on the day, rub your eyes at the wonder of the world around you and AGHHH!! Tiny needles into my eyeballs! What sort of messed up world is this?? There’s enough to worry about in the real world between war, famine and those layabouts who won’t get the fuck out of Eyre Square without having a body that genuinely seems to delight in making your life uncomfortable and confusing.
Finally, the last infuriating quirk of the human body is that it REFUSES to learn from its mistakes. Take fingernails for example, every time these point little shits get beyond the end of my finger they are TOAST. Do they listen? No. 2 weeks later I’m trying to write something and BAM, the side of my finger gets jabbed by one of its supposed brothers. Not cool asshole! You have one job to do, protect the soft squishy bit of finger that lies under you. How does that give you license to grow back every week, wasting hours of my time trimming you back. Jesus. Same goes for toenails by the way, and nose hair can fuck all the way off.
Is it really too much to ask that our meaty partner in this world is on our side? I wouldn’t have thought so but there you go. So what can we do? Evolve from our current form to a floating blob of super-consciousness you suggest? No, of course not. That’s idiotic, like something a buffoon would say. Begin to attach our own bodies out of protest? Come on, seriously? Sit down over there in the corner. Try not to swallow your own tongue. It’s simple really, just live each day with a subtle, underlying sense of deep personal aggrievment and think of how amazing your life could be with you on your side. That’s a sure fire way to get ahead!
Oisin 1. Internet 0
How d’ya like them apples?