This my friends will be the rant of the, admittedly very young, century.
I don’t know how to put into words how much I loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a kid so I won’t even try. I had Turtles figures, comics, duvets and a costume. There’s still a pic of myself and my cousin Darren dressed as turtles somewhere! I still remember being TERRIFIED watching an episode where the Foot Clan captured Rafael, then Donatello, then Michelangelo leaving only Leonardo to save the lads…it was touch and go for awhile there lads, awful memory. Basically, I was obsessed.
Last night I heard through twitter that good ol’ Michael Bay was making a new live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I was delighted to hear there was a new movie, not so delighted about the Bay part but I put my positive hat on and looked into it…I was horrified at what I read!
Seemingly Bay has decided that they are no longer the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – four baby turtles that stumbled across radioactive waste, found a Ninja Master in the form of a rat named Splinter who had the same run-in with the waste, learned the Ninja ways and became the worlds most fearsome fighting team. No, no, no friends. They are now the “Ninja Turtles” who are now ALIENS!! What the fuck?! Seriously Michael Bay, what the fuck is wrong with you? Who gave you this gig? What are you doing?
So what’s the plan? You have dropped the Mutant part seeing as the are Aliens now. Ok grand. You have also dropped the Teenage part? Are we to understand that they are in their 20s? Are they middle aged lads from the planet Turtle (or whatever you end up calling it) that have never been to earth and fancy bringing the wives over to see New York? What the hell are you doing?
If they are from another planet where did they pull the names from? The turtles are named by Splinter as Leonardo, Donatello, Rafael and Michelangelo. These are his favourite artists…how do they meet splinter? Are there giant Rats on the turtle planet too or was Splinter brought in from the Ninja Master Rat Galaxy to teach the lads? Or do they meet Splinter at all? Perhaps the turtle planet had a great appreciation for Renaissance artists and all the citizens are named that way?
What about the turtles personalities? Are they going to have New York accents and an obsession with pizza? I don’t care how corny it is in this day and age.. Michelangelo better be a party dude with crappy 90s jokes! If you remove “Cowabunga” I will travel to your home and harm you.
The turtles always wanted to be accepted on the surface world seeing as they grew up in the city like everybody else. Instead they find themselves staring up at the world, only surfacing in disguise to interact with the New York public. These Alien Turtles will obviously be trying to stay away from human sight to avoid an incident! Another complete shift in the Turtles backstory…fuck sake.
Seriously now. I understand that they original origin story is preposterous but that’s the story so stick to it junior! Here is a quote from the prick.
“Kids are going to believe one day that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie. These turtles are from an alien race and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable.”
Ok you sir are an idiot. You don’t seem to give a fuck about this franchise that means a lot to people, it was the childhood tv show of a generation. Changing a complete hit makes zero sense and seems like a huge risk? You like money…do it the way it has always been done, take your sweet sweet cash and go some where else.
If I hear kids in the street talking about the “Alien Ninja Turtles” I’m going to go loco and probably beat them up. Is that what you want Michael Bay? Do you want us fans to beat children as a result of your ego? It will happen sir.
What the hell is Michael Bay doing? Why must he continue to ruin things? Somebody needs to stop this. Michael Bay please go away. I wish you the best in whatever project you wish to assault with your presence but don’t piss on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!!!
Put that in your blog,