Monday, Bloody Monday. I had a very bad day today…a very bad day. Sometimes it doesn’t pay to get out of bed in the morning. It’s hard to put it in words really but think of the worst day you have ever had at work and multiply it by 105 and you should have a fair idea of how Monday went.
I just recently re-watched a movie called “Office Space”. It is essentially about a guy that really hates his job. It is one of my all time favourite movies but when I watched it again the other night it was really too close to home for me. Here’s a few pieces from the movie that kind of sum up my experience lately.
Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.
Bob Porter: Don’t… don’t care?
Peter Gibbons: It’s a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don’t see another dime, so where’s the motivation? And here’s something else, Bob. I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That’s my only real motivation, not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
And another one…
Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What’s happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I’ve already taken care of it so it’s not even really a problem anymore.
Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It’s just we’re putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that’d be great. All right!
Apart from all the crap there was one great moment. This is a conversation I had with a customer.
Customer – Do you have something that plays the radio and cassette tapes?
Steve – No…?
Customer – Oh right. Where would I get something like that?
Steve – 1991.
She laughed so it was fine.
So when I got home today I went straight into the shower to wash the day off of me. I basically rested my head against the wall and stared at my feet in there for about 20 minutes. When I came downstairs I went straight to the fridge and got myself a beer to take the edge off. The great thing about that decision is this. I can now invent a different day and convince myself that it totally happened. So I drank the beer and when I finished I started to day dream and this is what I have convinced myself of…this was Steves REAL Monday…
After jumping out of bed as Scarlett Johansen slept peacefully I opened my bulging wallet. I got a marker, wrote “Cab Fare” on a tenner and taped it to her head. I felt good knowing she could go home with minimal effort, I like to help people.
After a quick game of Pro Evo 4 I got into my normal morning routine. I rounded up the help and pointed at the various messes I made the night before and said “You clean?” I want their days to go fast so I keep them busy. Especially seeing as the head of Steve staff died tragically the week before. Pablo was close with his co-workers and they all loved his management style. Unfortunately Pablo had a heart attack while tending to my incredibly complex hedge maze…the Paramedics never had a chance. R.I.P Pablo.
After a wholesome breakfast of Apachi Pizza and KFC chicken I got changed into my work clothes. I don’t mind the clothes I have to wear to work really, I mean who doesn’t like a fine suit and superhero cape combo? My driver called me and told me it was time to head to work. While I appreciated the offer I noticed that it was a nice day outside and I decided to make my own way to work. I hopped on my Unicorn, fed it some jelly beans, and off I went to work. That’s right I have the Jelly Bean fueled Unicorn, it’s better for the environment.
It is a long commute to work so I had a portable DVD player surgically fitted into the back of the Unicorns head so I can watch The Simpsons on the way. I laughed the journey away and what felt like seconds later I was at the gates of work. I walked through the gates to the roaring applause of my staff and got straight down to the work at hand. Well it’s not really much work running your own theme park is it? SteveLand is a great place to work, I typically spend my days on rollercoasters loaded drunk laughing at the poor people struggling to afford the entrance fee. I call it research.
At lunch time I was all set for my delicious sugar sandwiches until my iPhone 12 rang. It was Ryan Giggs and he just called to say that he respected me so much, so so much. He suggested we go out for lunch and then go on the beer for the night and talk about how great I am. I said “No Ryan, No! Let’s go on the beer for the night and talk about how great YOU are!” We both said “Ohh you” at the same time and then said “Jinks” at the same time! We still don’t know who was jinxed…oh what a pair we are! Giggsy said bye and I sent my private jet to go pick him up.
The rest of the day is a blur of bitches and Supermacs. It was like a 90s rap video. We kept getting a single chip delivered to the pub because we are both against Supermacs. Every time the delivery guy arrived with the single chip I said “Can I place another order for delivery please?” Giggsy was in stiches! I got a few phone numbers from his phone and rang every United player, past and present, that I hate. Poor aul Djemba Djemba got an awful doin’ and Nani cried!!! What a day.
You see dear reader, if I don’t act positive about my days then there’s no point in living. I hate my job so much that I needed to invent a different day…Hussah for the shopkeep!