Hi everybody and welcome back for another installment of “Steve Interviews…”
After the last interview I had to take a long hard look at my life. Basically I invented a human being and then interviewed him…it shocked me. I started to wonder if it was time I finally grew up and copped on to reality but you people loved it! People told me that the piece was hilarious and wanted the next installment. You see, dear reader, I have a disturbingly vivid imagination and use this website to get the crazy out. I feel the same pressure I did when I had to top my first book review and I managed to top that so who’s to say I can’t do it again?!
You see I am an extremely competitive person and the only person that can beat me is my future self. Steve Vs Steve is essentially my main motivation to keep doing this, that and entertaining you, my disgusting public. So I racked my brain trying to come up with an idea for a new interviewee and genuinely considered interviewing a real person to take the piss but sometimes inspiration falls into your lap…or in this case…out of your shoe…
I came home from work tonight and fell into my usual routine. So, as I tore my work clothes off while walking up the stairs, I began the vicious propulsion mechanism needed to kick my shoes off and land spectacularly on my bedroom floor. Things were progressing as they normally would but as my right shoe flew majestically through the air I noticed a very audible rattle. I picked up my shoe to discover a stone, a fairly large stone. I was baffled! How did it get there, how long has it been there and how the hell did it fit in my shoe? So I did what everybody else would do and conducted an interview, this is the transcript.
(This is what happens when I’m encouraged to be demented)
Steve – Stone, thanks for speaking to me.
Stone – My Pleasure, Steve.
How long have you been in my shoe?
I have been hanging out in there for a couple of hours Steve.
I see, how in the name of Ryan Giggs did I not notice a stone in my shoe?
I think that’s a question you should ask yourself there Steve…
Fair enough, so what brings you to my shoe today?
Training? For what?
It’s a stone thing, you wouldn’t understand.
There is no possible way you could understand my motives, what would you know about hardcore training?
There’s that word again! What, prey tell, are you training for and what does it have to do with my shoe.
Fine. Would you consider me to be a stone or a rock?
I would say you are a large stone, not far off rock stature. If I threw you at Kanye West I reckon I would do a fair bit of damage.
Yes, but the blow wouldn’t kill him would it?
Perhaps not, but then again Kanye West cannot be killed by conventional methods. Believe me Iv tried.
Bingo, I’m training to bulk up to do some damage.
Damage to who Seamus?
Yes Seamus, I have named you Seamus.
But my name is Tom.
You’re not getting anywhere with that name buddy. It will never be a name over a door. Don’t you agree Seamie?
I see your point, let’s move on.
Fair enough, so the training…explain.
Ok but I will be letting you in on an ancient underground society. Are you sure you can handle it?
Listen Seamus, I was the 7th member of “Fight Club” I can deal with anything.
Very well, I will fill you in. But remember once you learn this you cannot unlearn it…
You haven’t seen me drink years of memories away Seamus, hit me with it.
Ok. I am the only child to a widowed Dad. My father is a famous warrior in the “Great Warathon Spectacular Deathfrenzy”. Word of these battles spilled into your world and I believe you know it as “Rock, Paper, Scissors”. My Father has beaten down 100s of the scissors tribe throughout his illustrious career but last week he was defeated and viciously murdered at the hands of an A4 piece of paper disguised as a scissors, beautiful in it’s own way if you think about it. That A4 page knew my father would take the sight of a scissors as a certain victory, that is until he was easily covered by that page and smothered and crushed in the same way an anaconda would kill it’s prey. I am in training to avenge my father and become World Champion in his honor.
Are you fucking serious? That’s crazy! What does your training have to do with my shoe?
Everything of course. Il ask you a question now. Have you ever had a stone in your shoe first thing in the morning?
I can’t say I have. Why do you ask?
You see, stones become rocks in quite a butterfly type manner. Us wee stones have to jump into the shoes of you humans to feed on the base of your socks. The sock sweat is what makes us grow into mighty rocks. Havent you ever wondered why you people sweat? It is to further the development of stones…
I have always wondered why we sweat. I always assumed there was a medical reason behind it?
Poor simple humans! The human body sweats to produce the nutrients needed for young stones to grow into rocks. Hot weather, spicy food, large doses of meat, these are all things designed by The Grand Master to recruit young stones to fight for our people. This thing is bigger than all of us Steven, I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
This is shocking. This “Grand Master” you speak of? Who is he? What is his deal?
The grand master is the worlds oldest and wisest rock. He lives in Athlone where he has established a powerful army of rocks to maintain our dominance over the scissors tribe but also to further his R+D squad to figure out how to beat the mighty warriors of the Paper tribe. We have never beaten a Paper warrior, until now…
So you think you are the Rock to do it?
Perhaps. But I’m willing to die trying. I will do anything to avenge my father.
Well I want to help, there is a basket upstairs filled with socks and jocks containing all the nutrients you need bro! Go nuts! But, I worry. Have you come up with any strategy to beat the Paper?
I have. While in your shoe earlier I noticed you struggling with a printer. It seems you pulled a sheet out of the printer and it tore into many pieces. It was beautiful sight seeing that piece of paper dismembered. So my plan is clear, lure their warriors into the paper tray of a HP printer and paper jam their asses! “Jam in tray 2” indeed…
That is a great plan! But I worry…won’t the human race face a backlash for helping Rock beat Paper?
Things like…paper cuts?! Think about it Steve. The Paper tribe have been keeping the human race under their control for generations. Think back to your first paper cut…have you ever opened a book or messed around with paper in the same way again?
No actually! I get my mammy to handle all my paper! Oh my god those bastards!!! I’m in! I will help you in any way possible. Should I call the president of the world to help us out?
No, human President Kardashian must not be involved. This is an underground movement that has seen countless changes in human kind. If the president was to learn of this great war the world as you know it would end. The world is not ready to learn of our deeper involvement in their everyday lives. Economies would crumble, planes would fall out of the sky and Ryan Giggs would stop playing football. Nobody wants to see that, especially the Tribe members of all 3 clans.
Why are you telling me these things? Why me?
You are the one. You are our Neo. The Grand Master sees something special in you and asked me to live in your shoe secretly for an afternoon to drink the sweet sweet sweat from your feet…have you not noticed that I have grown 4 times the size I was at the start of this interview?
Holy balls you have! Are you ready to go kick some Paper ass?!
Hell to the yeah! Let’s roll.
After conducting this interview Seamus the stone, well a Rock now, viciously murdered all of the paper tribe and sealed a massive victory for Rock-Kind. With paper out of the way the noble rocks could go back to beating on the scissors day after day. The grand master remains vigilant incase of a paper resurgence…so please people…if care about the rocks STOP recycling and continue cutting down trees. Level your local forests and piss on it’s ashes. The paper tribe will one day come back and paper cut the hell out of us because of my involvement. I will live with the guilt of my actions for the rest of my days but you people need to wise up…we all look the same to paper and they will strike at a moments notice…for that I am sorry.
Put that in your blog,
P.S……………..See this is why I should not be encouraged! I am thoroughly worried by how I managed to come up with that. I am starting to become very concerned for my mental health…these are not the actions of a sane human being. I typed “Steve interviews…A Rock” as the title of this thing and the rest came flying out. I planned none of this I swear…how did that just happen? Lord. If I die tonight this would be last thing I did…that’s gonna be hard to explain to the funeral goers… “What type of guy was he?” they would say…Giggs bless the person that has to explain me.