I have been wronged folks, wronged!! You see earlier this morning I had a perfectly amazing set of choppers, each tooth more magnificent than the last but something went horribly wrong.
I noticed a while ago that the back of one of my bottom front teeth was rather exposed. It looked as if the gum had just gone? I thought nothing of it as it was causing me no hassle and I got on with my life entertaining you fine people.
After work tonight I was walking past the vending machine with change in my pocket…I couldn’t resist. I popped a euro coin into that bad boy and got myself a sweet sweet Moro bar. About half way through the bar I noticed that I had swallowed something non-chocolatey. The bar, quite sticky and all that, had pulled half of the back of that tooth out and I swallowed it!
Now don’t worry my friend, I am in no pain and you best believe I finished that bar with relative ease. I am, however, extremely annoyed that I am missing most of the back of my tooth and the fact that my tongue seems drawn to it is causing me a lot of hassle. What the hell am I going to do now? The dentist? Hell nah!! Dentists scare the bejesus out of me. I have had nothing but bad experiences from my youth with dentists. You see in Mayo the dentists are actually mad for drilling the fuck out of your teeth, that noise haunts my dreams. So rather than deal with this problem in an adult fashion I will do what I do best, write the company a scathing letter. I have previous experience with writing to confectioners and I pull no punches.
So I went to my office at City Fathers Towers and got my assistant, Roshawnda, to type this up as I paced back and forth with a fine scotch.
Dear Tooth Murderers,
My name is Steven and I am a big fan of your bar. Nothing pleases me more than to take a bite out of that sweet sweet caramel and peanut masterpiece you wizards have created. Normally when I do that my teeth will remain intact, sadly today’s Moro bar failed to live up to the high standards of it’s fallen brethren.
The Moro bar pulled the back of my tooth out and I want to know what you people are going to so about it?! Not only am I down 25% of one of my teeth but that piece was lodged in the bar and I swallowed it. That’s right, there is an undigested Moro with a bit of a tooth lodged in it floating around inside me. Further to that my tongue seems sexually attracted to the gap at the back of my tooth and I am genuinely concerned I will develop a lisp as a result.
I expect to see the worlds finest medical team dispatched to my house post haste. They will fix my tooth and train my tongue to go back to normal and you lot will pay for the whole thing. If this does not happen I will be forced to act. As I am sure you are aware I am Co-Chief Editor of the worlds most influential website and we have taken down bigger companies than you. Dont believe me? Click here
Those wine gum lads were quaking in their boots and I am reliably informed that the MD pissed his very expensive trousers on front of the board of directors and was fired. That guy was integral to the company and 3 and half days later they went out of business…be warned.
Spare yourselves further embarrassment and sort out my tooth you scum! Don’t mess me around, I play for keeps.
Dictated but not read.