So Rory is leaving in a few days and I have taken it upon myself to tell you fine people a few tales. I have already covered the early 1990s where myself and Rory were at one time kings of gansta’ Rap so it’s time to get into the latter part of that wonderful decade, this is what Rory and I did in the late 90s.
The Pro Wrestling Late 90s.
Myself and Rory are life long wrestling fans, some might say that’s a bit weird but we think it makes us even cooler. Wrestling was always big but the late 90s saw it rise to mainstream success. Rory and I would watch these guys tear their bodies apart for our sick enjoyment and we always thought “We could do that”. So after taking out an astronomical loan we set the process in motion.
Rory found a top notch steroid salesman and within 3 and half days we were jacked like Olympic bodybuilders, but still as sexy as ever. We didn’t bother going to any wrestling school as we had spent our youth beating the living fuck out of each other and had become quite talented, we headed for America.
We joined a crappy little promotion called “Real Top Notch Wrestling” based in Alaska. We quickly became popular and the boss man decided to make us face each other. We obliged and spend weeks fighting over the World Title which changed hands so frequently between us that the belt itself became worthless. Fans became tired of this swap-a-thon and the company went out of business. One of us is still the RTNW World Heavyweight Champion to this day but we have no idea which one of us it is.
Our matches were legendary in that title rivalry. We set the standards for what would become ECW. Paul Heyman claims he invented the extreme wrestling style but as our bodies will prove…we invented Extreme. Rory’s body is particularly horrific. He has a scar in the shape of Italy under his left testicle after a botched steel chair shot. If you meet him ask to see it, he loves showing it.
We had a quick stint in Japan before the WWF came calling. They offered us a contract that we simply could not refuse. The only issue with the WWF deal was that they wouldn’t let us use our real names so they named me “Stevie Wonderful” and Rory ended up going in as “Rory the Reaper”. We didn’t really like the names but what can you do? “They are paying ME a bunch of money” as one man might have said! (Obscure reference there, I imagine just Rory will get that one!)
They wanted us to come in as a tag team and Rory and I loved the idea. Our tag team was called “The Lovable Scamps” and we were an instant hit. In our first 6 months we had dominated the Tag Team devision and our faces were on everything! Rory still has a “Lovable Scamps” shoe horn and fireguard set.
Now this success wasn’t going unnoticed. A few of the boys in the back were less than happy with us. There is only so much airtime to go around and we did have 55 minutes of a two hour show dedicated to our fake chat show called “Let’s get physical…with the lovable scamps.” Sure we interviewed some of the boys on the show but that wasn’t enough.
People like The Rock and Triple H were particularly upset. They formed a make shift team and challenged us for our coveted Tag Team World Title belts. We beat those boys up and down the country week after week until eventually they gave up. I don’t mind telling you that The Rock came into our dressing room in floods of tears before a match and begged us to go easy on them. We obliged because we felt bad for the kid, he looked great and he was great on the mic but he just didn’t have the talent. At the end of the match, a match we won of course, we raised both of their hands and put them over. Triple H was later found humping Rorys leg as he was so thrilled at the crowd reaction.
Our run away success was to be shot down in it’s prime. At the time The Undertaker was the WWF Champion and Rory always had designs on getting that belt. I was happy enough as Tag Champs but I couldn’t hold Rory back for much longer. Rory dreamed of main eventing Wrestlemania and there was only one sure fire way of doing that…Rory entered the Royal Rumble.
You see dear reader if you win the Royal Rumble you get a title shot at Wrestlemania. Nothing in life is more important. Seeing as he was doing it I decided to enter as well. I did ok for awhile until The Undertaker ran in on the match and dragged me out over the top rope thus eliminating me from the match.
I was beside myself with anger, I kept screaming “Why Taker, Why?” until he bounced my head off the ring post and threw me on the ground. After he punched my face into the ring steps several times he shattered my ankle using a conveniently located sledgehammer. The Undertaker decided that the sledge was too easy for a man of his brute strength so he began beating me relentlessly with my own shoes before dragging my lifeless carcass over to the commentary tables. He powerbombed me through the table and posed while the crowd booed. As The Undertaker was dragging me up towards the entrance ramp his minions gave him an idea. One of his lads game him a golf club and The Undertaker beat me up the ramp until he got me to the top. If I wasn’t sure this was a premeditated attack I was to be sure moments later as I was flying through the air. The Undertaker chokeslammed me off the ramp into a tank of live scorpions. Sure, my brutally beaten body took a few of them out on impact but there were more than enough scorpions remaining to sting the bejesus out of me as The Undertaker looked on approvingly.
Rory was in disbelief at what he had witnessed but he knew that was just Undertakers way of sending him a message. Rory knew that playing mind games with him is a bad idea so he didn’t bother going to the hospital to visit me and won the Royal Rumble with ease.
I was too injured to enjoy the moment but I’m assured it was very special. I was out of commission due what the doctors called “massive head trauma” so it was up to Rory to take on the Undertaker his way. A series of shameful scenes involving Rory on the microphone followed. Rory often dressed up like bunny rabbit to prove that light humor can over come the darkness. He was sorely mistaken and was regularly booed out of arenas. Sure he couldn’t promote himself for shit and JR would pass judgement on the poor lad by saying “Hes crazier than a pet coon” but Wooooo Smokies could he wrestle…and that’s what The Undertaker had to worry about.
So Rory faced off against the man that horrifically beat me down and it was a back and forth match. Finishing moves were countered time after time and the match was on a knife edge. After a spell of dominance The Undertaker lifted Rory up to hit him with the Tombstone Piledriver. Rory was almost done for until….I showed up. The crowd went wild as I ran to the ring. As the taker was holding Rory up I kicked him in the back of the knee and smashed him with a chair. Rory rolled over for the pin, 1…2………..3!!!! Rory had finally done what he had dreamed of and became the WWF Champion. The match was a slobberknocker for the ages.
Sure, you won’t find any of this in the wrestling history books. That is largely down to the fact that Undertaker is still wanted for assaulting me, he is actually classed as “deceased” so the courts cant prosecute him, the whole thing is a mess. The Undertaker continues to dominate in wrestling and his only Wrestlemania loss was removed from the record books due to legal mumbo jumbo…it’s a shame but I can always say “I was there when Rory beat The Undertaker at Wrestlemania”.
Now myself and Rory lost contact for a little while after that, that is of course, until we met again. But that my friend is a story for another day…
Put that in your blog,