Steves “Rory Storys” Episode 1

As I’m sure you all are aware my partner in Internet bullshit is leaving the country, possibly for good. This has left me feeling reflective. I keep thinking about the good times we’ve had over the years and I want to share some of these tales with you. I feel some of the things I could talk about could be just looking through beer-tinted glasses so il just tell ones that I remember perfectly. This is one of these tales…and star wipe…

The Rapping Early 90s

It’s the early 1990s and myself and Rory were broke and working in a damn corner shop. We had an intense hatred toward the world that had wronged us and the only outlet was our rapping. You see kids, in the early 90s the world was caught up in gangsta’ rap and nobody was more gangsta’ than myself and Rory. We regularly woke up to the smell of gun smoke in the morning and we had mad skills on the mic.

One morning Rory woke up and was upset that he had to go into that shop to pack shelves and he decided enough was enough and asked me this question… “How we gonna get this paper yo?”. For those of you that are not as gangsta’ as us that basically means “Let’s go make some money”.

Now Rory was no fool. He knew that I was clearly the more skilled rapper so he decided to manage my career. Let me tell you dear reader Rory covered every angle, he got me some sweet gold chains, the flyest clothes, baggy pants and the whitest of white runners…which we called “kicks”. We toured Ireland where I went under the guise of “Stap”. How did we come up with my rap name you ask? Great story… Rory thought “nobody is more rap than Steve! Steve, Rap, STAP!” I told you it was a great story.

Now Ireland in the early 90s was not ready for our all out hardcore gangsta’ rap and I was sick of warming up for showbands in town halls so we needed a new market…America. The USA was divided at that time by the now legendary East Coast v West Coast rivalry. Rory thought “What about the Middle?”

In New York you had The Notorious B.I.G and Tupac had taken refuge in LA. Both “2Pacalypse Now” and “Born 2 Die” had dropped to critical acclaim for the two lads. We saw this giant gap in the rap market across the middle of the country so Rory decided it was time to act. Kansas, Dallas, Memphis…these would be our hoods and it was time for us to drop my first solo album. The sound was tight and if I do say so myself I dropped lyrical bombs on an unsuspecting Middle-America. “Stap” was played out… Enter MC Steve-Money with his first album…check the cover.

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1994s Hit album

“Why don’t I have all the chicks” was an instant hit. People went insane. My lyrical missiles hit every target in sight and 2pac, Biggie, Deathrow and BadBoy Records were shitting themselves. MC Steve-Money was on the map all thanks to the managerial skills of Rory Monaghan.

Bitches, hoes, drugs, hot tubs, fame, fortune and ride-on lawnmowers were all at our disposal. Rory had created a monster and it was a great time to be MC Steve-Money and Ro-Dawg…the most powerful force in the Rap music industry. But some were not pleased.

Suge Knight and Puff Daddy wanted answers. “How is this Honkey beating us in the charts?” they thought! Both BadBoy and Deathrow were worried about Rorys influence in the white rapping community in Middle-America. They were especially concerned when Rory launched his first record company. The two company’s saw a great threat with the arrival of “Rorys Rap Funtimes” with I, MC Steve-Money, as the companys biggest artist.

My second album under the Rory umbrella was an even bigger success.

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MC Steve-Moneys second and most iconic album “Look at all the shit I bought”

“Look at all the shit I bought” was a billboard smash hit which brought me fame and fortune but more importantly put the stature of “Rorys Rap Funtimes” record label well above that of Deathrow and BadBoy. I was being offered all of 2pacs movie roles as well as Biggies’ KFC personal appearances and these were vital to the incomes of our competing labels. Suge Knight and Puff Daddy had to act and did the unthinkable…they joined forces to destroy us and protect their livelihoods.

Suge and Puffy knew that nothing 2Pac and Biggie would ever release could topple us. They looked at the sales of Elvis albums after he died and noticed a steep rise. So they did the only logical thing and had both artists killed violently in drive by shootings. Album sales went through the roof…the perfect crime.

After that piece of genius from the lads the record empire that Rory had built started to crumble. My career went downhill as gangster rap was seen as “dangerous” by the general public so it was time to move home to my mammy. Rory waited a couple of days longer to sell off the company, it was a sad state of affairs. “Rorys Rap Funtimes” at one time was the biggest record label in the word valued at, and I quote from Forbes Magazine, Eleventy Bazillion Dollars. Poor aul Rory sold it on for 3 chicken McNuggets…and he was glad to get them.

Now I’m sure you won’t find any of this in the Rap history books but I ask you dear reader, has anybody ever been convicted for the murders of Tupac Shakur or Christopher “Notorious B.I.G” Wallace? Suge Knight and Puff Daddy got away with murder…. Prove me wrong.

Now myself and Rory were estranged for years after that. We eventually reignited our friendship but that, dear friend, is a story for another day…

Put that in your blog,
Steve

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About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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