People that know me will tell you two things about me. The first is obviously that I’m just brilliant at everything and second, and most important, is that I hate nightclubs. No I don’t just hate them in a “oh I hate broccoli” type way…I HATE them in the truest meaning of the word. Pure straight hatred is what I’m trying to say, you with me? Ok let’s move on.
Now (excluding a staff going away party a few weeks ago where I had no choice but to go) I have not been in a Nightclub in a looooong time, perhaps since Cuba in Galway closed a few years ago…that was of course until last night. I went to a nightclub here in Galway out of my own free will, I was shocked by my betrayal of my own self. I am my favourite person in the world and to do such things to poor simple drunk Steve will haunt my dreams tonight…THE HORROR!!!
As predicted it was awful. The drinks were few and the people were many. I spent most of my time moving between the bar and smoking area looking at the time tick slowly by. I did however come up with an idea for this magnificent website and I took notes on my phone of stuff that was going on so I could read them in the cold hungover light of day. First though here are a few texts I send to rory…
“Rory…I am in (name of club)…I want you to kill me. I have betrayed myself”
“I want to die. Some lad roared in my face walking up the stairs and let’s just say he is less the person he was after that encounter…Steve angry…Steve facepalm”
So that should tell you how disgusted I was. So rather than just put up with it and suck it up I decided to look down on everybody in sight and these are the notes I took down on my phone. Enjoy.
This place plays such shite music, what the fuck is going on in these idiots heads.
What is that lad wearing? Why is he dressed like a Jedward?
Lyrics I just heard “I party hard on the boulevard”. This lad is a lyrical genius.
Ohh god…Kanye fucking West…again. I want to die.
Yes dance, dance you fools.
Riannah ey? Haven’t heard her music in about 12 minutes, Christ on a bike.
If one more person stands on my feet im gonna go loco.
Beer Ninjas everywhere…must protect pint.
Tonights music has been brought to you by AUTOTUNE! Cant sing? Who gives a fuck! Autotune…supposed talent in a bottle yo!
Every song sounds the same and these people don’t even care? Funny.
I payed money to be here? Are you serious bro?
Why is every guy in here dressed the same? They all seem to be dressed as the lads from one direction…pathetic.
Women seem to be all over these lads dressed as one direction…hmmm.
Note to self. Buy clothes like one direction.
No don’t do it! You will look as queer as the rest of those lads! You’re better than that.
Where did that girl I was talking to go? Dammit! Murphy you’ve done it again…
It took 5 minutes to get served at the bar all because I don’t have boobs. Well played barman you scum.
So that’s my nightclub experience. I was off to a bad start really because I had to pay to get in after being asked loads of questions about my night by the cocky bouncer. Why do people pay into places that don’t have a band or anything that you can’t do in the pub next door? It makes no sense to me.
So there you have it. I hate nightclubs, nothing will ever change my mind on it. That’s just another thing that makes me so great.
Put that in your blog,