It’s time for a new feature here at thecityfathers.com. In the same way that I classed up this whole affair with my Book Reviews I think it’s time we introduced a slot for interviews. Only the finest of people will be featured here and my style of interview will be hard hitting but caring. I want these people broken down and built back up so that you, dear reader, will feel like you know this person a little better.
Now there is no better place to start than this man.
Now frequent readers will be familiar with this gentleman but for newer readers il give a little background. Detective O’ Malley is a no-nonsense hard nosed cop with a heart of gold. He is the son of Irishman Seamus O’ Malley…a simple Elephant farmer on his home planet Mars. His arrest record is second to none which got him noticed by the Mayor Steven Murphy in New York City.
NYC was in the midst of a crime wave which at that stage had lasted for years. Larry had cleaned the whole city of crime by his 12th day. Some say his methods are questionable and that his disregard for public property while chasing his perp means he is an unstable man but each of Larrys 12 ex wives would disagree.
Larry agreed to meet me for a brief interview last Tuesday and I was invited to his office in New York. Larry clutched a glass of scotch the whole time and intermittently puffed on his cigar while smooth low tempo Jazz music played in the background. The following is a transcript of our conversation. Enjoy.
Steve: Larry thank you so much for inviting me here.
Larry: Don’t call me Larry, it’s Detective O’ Malley to you son.
Apologies Detective O’ Malley. So how is crime fighting in NYC going?
Well, it’s tough to say. Criminals in this town are scared of me after I rounded up alot of their buddies. When criminals are scared they become dangerous so I have to be on the job 24/7.
That was my next question, you look like you haven’t slept in days, what’s the craic there like?
Does crime sleep?
Well I dont…
No it doesn’t! Crime is like a diseased crotch, you can cover it up or get it treated but you will always be on your guard for it’s return
Fair point. Well that leads me to my next question. You have had 12 wives and countless mistresses over the years. Is it a case that you can’t be held down or are you just as I hear on the streets…a known abusive drunk?
Well each of those women were special to me in their own unique way. They each represent a moment in my life. Most people collect rocks or badges or leaves…I collect women.
Do you ever meet these women again?
When you take a step forward on the street, do you retrace every step you take? No, because if you did you would get nowhere.
So what was your childhood like on Mars?
It was a normal Mars upbringing. I was born to Seamus and Mary O’ Malley on the dark side of Mars. My mother was murdered during a robbery of our home. I had to fill in for her and help out so I worked on my fathers Elephant farm until I got fed up of milking Elephants and decided to make a difference in the world and stamp out crime.
So do you think that experience made you the man you are today? A hard working crime fighter with a warped view on the role of women?
I don’t think so. I just hated milking Elephants Steven, hated it. The rest is just coincidence
So you have an Irish lineage. Is that something you are interested in? Is there a part of Larry O’ Malley that is a bit celtic?
Yes my parents taught me about the old country. They both came from a place called Galway in the west of the country. They would tell me how lots of people in that town make no effort to work while the workers tax is used to fund their lifestyle. It always confused me. Anytime I was feeling down they would tell me a humorous story about a group of hippies called “Occupy Galway”. It seems they set up a shed in the town square looking for attention but nobody cared! Oh how I would laugh and laugh. I always had the image of long haired smelly individuals going around the township putting posters on telephone poles trying to gain support…oh those idiots! I’m sure its just another one of mothers made up storys.
So what kind of Music does Detective O’ Malley listen to?
Well I have many tastes. I will listen to anything as long as it is Jazz music.
Yes, I can hear that. Who is this we are listening to?
This is a song called “I dropped my cake and you still took it away from me” It’s a song by Clive “Broken Dreams” Deane.
That’s interesting, I have a friend called Clive Deane.
That’s not interesting at all, next question.
Fair enough. So you have cleaned up New York and you seem to be living in a state of constant awareness in case of a revival of the criminal gangs. How is your health?
Well like most 35 year old renegade cops my health is a non issue. I could die tomorrow but I can’t think about tomorrow, crime lives today.
But what if these gangs stay down? Surely you should be moved on to an area that needs your help?
I can’t speculate on that. I go where the job takes me. My only concern is for the people I protect and keeping my streets clean from scum.
So where do you see yourself in 20 years? Chief of Police?
Il never end up like that damn pencil pusher up there. He makes me sick. He can’t see the world from behind his damn desk!
Ok sore point. So after law enforcement what does Larry have planned?
Well there’s nothing back on Mars for me, well except for the child payments I pay to my 12 ex wives. Perhaps I will stay here on Earth and set up my own farm just like my father had. Il get a small plot of land and set up a business. “Honest Larrys Elephant Milk” Hmmm not a bad idea.
Riiight. Ok Detective O’ Malley thanks so much for meeting with me today and best of luck with everything.
So that’s Detective Larry O’ Malley. A really interesting guy I’m sure you will agree. Until next time on “Steve Interviews…” farewell folks, thanks for reading.
Put that in your blog,
(Note to self…you really need to find a girlfriend! These are not the actions of a sane human being. You just invented a person and then interviewed him…poorly. Go for a pint now and meet women)