So it’s that time of year again folks, the last day of the January Transfer window. It is the most hilarious display of crazy wealth mixed with spoiled brats that we call professional footballers. To try to describe this bullshit to a third world country would take some balls and I find the January Transfer Window to be wrong in so many ways…but I can’t take my eyes off it!!
My problem is this. These players sign contracts to clubs and they mean nothing to either party. The player is off the second a club offering more money comes along while if he turns out to be a flop the club will have him out of that contract within seconds! It’s madness! It’s moneyball of the highest order. I watched close to an hour of this on my lunch break today and there were at least 3 ads for concern during the breaks…sick.
Now while I find the whole thing disgusting on one level I also find it very funny…but not funny enough…here’s what good ol’ Steve would do on Transfer Deadline Day.
So after waking up in my bed filled with money and jaffa cakes I would head downstairs to watch Sky Sports News. After my rather expensive breakfast I head out in to the world I am too rich to understand or care about. After a quick spin to the airport to hire a helicopter and pilot I begin my crazy day.
Firstly I send out a Tweet saying “Hmmm so many offers on my agents desk, it’s a tough day to be a footballer”. Knowing that Sky Sports “News” will latch onto any piece of worthless information it’s time for me to have some fun. The next step is to deploy a series of look a likes to various Football grounds where they will simply walk into the ground.
Now this is where it gets tricky. I need all of my look a likes to walk into all of these Football Clubs at around the same time so that the reporters outside will see Steven Murphy at dozens of Stadia. Immediately after that I expect 20 reporters all saying they have seen me on live television and Sky Sports News goes into meltdown trying to figure it all out.
At this point twitter is being watched very closely by Sky to find me. The reporters will be dumfounded until I send my next tweet. “At Arsenal Training Ground having medical”. The Arsenal reporter will go nuts and TV will cut to him. I am still in my helicopter on Sky Go watching this all unfold…the minute that guy comments on the story BOOM I tweet “At Liverpool Training Ground having a medical” Sky loses it’s mind.
I do this at least 6 more times until I get bored of the hilarious flop sweating reporters and move into EndGame.
I send out another tweet… “It’s a done deal, i am so happy” and attach a photo of me shaking the hand of my pilot…but all they will see a man in a suit shaking my hand. Sky Sports freaks out trying to figure out who this guy is which gives me time for one more tweet…
“Unveiling on steps of Wembley in 20mins”
When everybody gets there they will see myself and the pilot on the steps with a megaphone. I get everybody to go really quiet while I make my announcement, which will be as follows.
“I was bored this morning so I just bought a helicopter yo!”
Now I assume a few media people will be annoyed with my actions but does rich footballer Steve give a monkeys? No…because he cannot hear their groans over the deafening chorus of “Steve! Steve! Steve!” from my adoring disgusting public. Steve wins…
Now are the actions detailed above supposed to be a message to the money crazed football industry? Is it a clever way to stick it to the Transfer Window? Both no. I, just like my fictional footballer self, like to piss people off for my own gains.
Enjoy the rest of the transfer window!
Put that in your blog,