The National Lottery jackpot is €15m tonight! Now when the prize money gets this high people will talk about it and ask you what you would do with the money. Guys at work talked about paying off mortgages for friends and family, holidays, new homes and all that boring crap. Now, as you know, I’m a dreamer…. Here’s my totally plausible and completely achievable lotto plan.
Basically ever since I was a wee lad growing up in North Mayo I have always wanted something normal-people money can’t buy, something that I would spend all my toy money on and something that would make me feared and respected across the globe…I want my own Dinosaur. It took me years to figure out what type I wanted. I tossed and turned between getting a few Triceratops or a pack of Raptors but I thought about it a bit more…I can bearly look after myself let alone multiple Dinosaurs so Iv decided to go with a T-Rex.
Now I bet your thinking “Steve, are you well? €15m won’t be enough to breed a T-Rex” and you are right to think that. I’m not stupid guys, I know that won’t cover it. So here is how I do it.
Step.1 Strong Investment
Every penny (barring the salary of Chinese accountant) will be put into this website as working capitol. Every major company in the world will come knocking down our door looking to advertise on our site based on our fluffed numbers, it should take no more than 3 hours to build up a few hundred million. I then pull every red cent out of the company and begin my research.
Step 2. Research and Development
I then buy a small factory and set up a lab. After hiring 4-5 scientists who I call my boys I begin watching the first hour of Jurassic Park to see how those lads did it. Every time I spot something of benefit I shout “get this to the boys in the lab” at my assistant. I imagine it should take no more that a few minutes for the boys to pull it off and boom…Iv got T-Rex eggs boiiiiiiii! Now we play the waiting game…well the boys do…Il spend the next 9 months in Manchester helping Nani, Anderson and David De Gea move away, far far away.
Step 3. Loose ends
After flying my new jet back into the country I go to check out my new T-Rex. I imagine that the boys in the lab have spend most of thecityfathers.com advertising profits and Rory is living off twigs and beans. So, to make the money back I put a wedding dress on my T-Rex and stage a fake marriage to Peter Andre…Hello Magazine will pay us a fortune for the photos and boom! Cityfathers makes it’s money back and we move on to the best part…
Step 4. Dino-Funtimes
Now it time to knock some craic out of my new Dino-Friend. Iv taken a lot of crap from a lot of people over the years so its time I extract my revenge. First on the list is Kanye West…I want my T-Rex, Seamus, to viciously destroy Kanye West and his whole operation by 2pm that day. How do we get there you ask? Iv got a T-Rex…We walked.
Now as you know he’s only a baby T-Rex for a short time so I want to savor all of his firsts…
His first old timey bike and tophat…
His first Christmas…
Warning the neighbors about Seameys new go kart…
His first attack…
His first date and depression thereafter.
His fat stage…
But these are the things a father does for his T-Rex. Il knock as much craic out of him while I can. Ohh the fun we will have striking fear in the hearts of all my enemies!! But I know eventually I will have to let him go one day…off to Dino-college to experience life on his own. I think there’s one in Athlone.
I sure hope he uses MASSIVE contraception!
Once he moves home after college I set out business plans for my boy. Licensing, merchandise and Seamus the motion picture. That lad will be rolling in the cash…so much so that he can buy crappy rapper jewelry. The gold chain will read “T-Money” and I imagine he’d have a pretty decent career as a warm up act for Jedward.
So that’s what I would do with my lotto money, better than your idea easily. I’m a genius.
Put that in your blog,